“No!”

“Don’t, don’t, don’t.”

“Don’t, he’s behind the door.”

“Turn around!”

“Turn around, turn around, turn around!”

“Now kiss her, you idiot.”

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Last year I went to play badminton with my friend Jon.

Yes, it turned out he was a member of the local racket (hey-ohhhhh!) and was in the business of casually inviting friends to join him for a night as his Doubles Partner.

Now badminton, like all sports, was completely foreign to me so I had a pile of excuses ready when he asked including: “I don’t have a racquet”, “I don’t have a ball”, “I don’t know how to play”, and finally my trusty failsafe “No.”

But Jon would have none of it.

“Come on, I’ll pick you up and drop you off. You can use my extra equipment and I’ll bring a bottle of water for you. Plus, the guys there are really easy going and casual. You’ll have a great time. Come on, it’ll be fun.”

There was a bit of a Mexican standoff as we sized each other up, squinted a bit, and jutted our chins out, but eventually I sucked it up, threw on some sweatpants, and went along for the ride.

Turns out Jon was a liar.

I entered the dimly lit high-school gymnasium to the sight of high-flying Asian superstars spiking the birdie in all directions. Zipping and zooming across the court, they leapt three, four, five feet off the ground, whacking the bird in high-stakes, high-drama back and forth exchanges.

“Oh, it’s not as tough as it looks,” Jon said to my pale and worried face. “And don’t worry — no one cares how good you are. They just want to get some exercise.”

I stared at Jon with a worried glance, but eventually unpeeled my racquet, yanked up my tube socks, shivered a few times, and stepped timidly onto the court, where I proceeded to immediately get beaned in the eye by a well-smacked birdie. People, I’m telling you straight up: I got shuttlecocked.

It happened quick and I dropped my racquet stunned, cupping my eye with both hands and sucking air in loudly like a wheezy Shop-Vac. Throbbing, swelling, bruising fast, I was experiencing the birth of my first-ever black eye.

Thick and dark, purple and navy blue, I sported the big fat shiner for the next week at work. And it felt great, it felt liberating, it felt like I was free — because for once I wasn’t a wimp. No, for a moment I shed my thin, fragile shell and motored around town as a fighting thug with an attitude problem. The black eye screamed “Don’t mess with me”, “Don’t make me do it again”, and “You should see the other guy.”

Now, don’t get me wrong: it’s not great to get nailed in the face. Eyes are delicate little peeled grapes which we don’t want squash balls, door corners, or accelerating fists smacking into. All I’m saying is that if it happens and everything works out fine, then just enjoy that week of walking around with a black eye, tough guy.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

It was pretty rare to stare up at a dark sky full of sparkly stars while growing up between streetlights and neon pizza signs.

Now if we went camping or up to a friend’s cottage, that was a different story. That’s when we could zip open our tent or lie on the dock and just gaze up at the twinkly beauty above us all. We’d just tilt our necks, drop our jaws, and wonder how big it was, how far it went, and what the tentacled, saliva-covered aliens looking back at us were thinking.

It didn’t happen too often, but every once in a while somebody would pick out a few bright stars and point out a constellation way up there. Light years away, worlds apart, and sparkling for all eternity, we heard stories about bulls, belt buckles, and the personal business of many Greek Gods.

Of course, I could only ever see one thing up there myself: The Big Dipper aka The Plough. Sometimes I thought I’d see another one only to have an older kid tell me I was looking at a plane, a blinking satellite or, occasionally, the moon.

That’s why when you actually point out a constellation in outer space you feel like a genius astro-cosmologist with a PhD in Good Eyesight. You’re no longer the dude responsible for finding marshmallow roasting sticks, grabbing bug spray from the tent, or dumping a pail of water onto the campfire before we head to bed. No, now you’re a worldly space explorer raising your eyebrows and pointing out the window as we all fly forward through the darkness.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here

Illustration from: here

Crack it clean when you split those sticks because nobody likes eating with splintery daggers.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Memorize the lyrics, remember the beats, and hit the back button again and again until your new favorite tune is permanently etched in your brain.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Sometimes we all get rattled.

When bad news surprises you, painful memories flash back, or heavy moments turn your stomach to Jell-O, it’s great to fall into a warm and comforting pair of big, wide open arms.

Shaking with sobs, dripping with tears, you snort up your runny nose and smear snot across their shoulder as that hug relaxes you and comforts you and helps you get through everything, even for a minute, even for a moment.

Maybe there are ‘It’s going to be okay’ whispers, some gentle back-rubbing, or just the quiet silence of knowing that they’re not going to let go until you let go first. As their steady arms support you, and the pain washes over you, the hug gives you a warm glow in a shivery moment.

So when you eventually pull back, smile that classic ‘I’m sorry and thank you‘ smile, and swipe wet bangs off your forehead, you still might not feel great, but if you’re lucky you feel a little more

AWESOME!

(Hi everybody, there is a new announcement in the Book section.)

Illustration from: here

For a moment it looks like they might burst.

Lips clenched, eyebrows raised, they’re shaking their head and looking away to avoid choking or spraying burrito guts all over the table. You know you dropped a good line when their face turns red and they start frantically waving the “please stop, please stop” signal with both hands.

AWESOME!

Illustration from: here

I fart, you fart, he farts, she farts.

Let’s not deny it, people. Farting is a regular, healthy, and hilarious part of life. Squeezing out big plumes of noxious gas doesn’t always smell good, but it generally feels mighty fine.

Now think back for a second to the last time you saw a tiny baby pop out a stinky heater. I’m betting after they filled the air they just stared at you with a blank expression that seemed to say “Yeah, it was me. So what?”

And maybe that’s a good thing.

Maybe when your boyfriend’s snuggling with you under the blanket and there’s a few chirps from the back of his pants, that’s good. Maybe when Grandpa leans back on his rocker and lets one rip during Sunday dinner, that’s good. Maybe when your wife nonchalantly blasts one while barbecuing on the balcony, that’s good.

And maybe it’s especially good when everyone laughs afterwards.

Because hey, it just means we’re comfortable being ourselves and relaxed enough to know farting is a natural and normal part of life. Nobody chooses farting as a hobby but it’s part of what makes us human. Tuba scales, silent stink bombs, machine gun blasts, whatever you’re putting out there that’s fine, that’s fine, that’s perfectly fine.

Now, we’re not advocating a world of no limits. There’s nothing wrong with keeping some personal space, either. After all, maybe you do your nose-picking in the car, shower behind a curtain at the gym, or burp quietly into a fancy cloth hankie. If so, that’s cool too.

All we’re saying is that if you get to the point where you’re comfortable farting around each other, it means you’re family, you’re friends, or you’re completely in love.

So just relax and let it out.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Illustration from: here

When someone whips out a camera it’s time to suck it in, baby. Eye the trigger finger and pull in when they push down. After all, maybe there’s a six pack under that stained and baggy T-shirt. I mean, we have no reason to suspect a jiggly bowl of jelly belly or anything.

There’s just no proof.

AWESOME!

Illustration from: here

Here’s how to find that magic grass:

1. Dampness Double-Check. Nobody likes a wet bottom. Keep your backside dry by spying classic signs like slightly dipped areas that pool water or permanently shaded patches that don’t dry up. May also be worth tapping the ground to check with your hand or doing a 5-second Practice Sit, which involves sitting down and staring straight ahead while activating the cold, wet sensors in your sweatpants.

2. Sticks and stones. They may break your bones, but more importantly they’re just no fun to sit on because they’ll jab your rear and slip in your pockets. Plus, they’re a dangerous omen of protruding tree roots, prickly weeds, and grassless patches of hard dirt. Stay away.

3. Temp check. On hot days you’re looking for shady patches under tall trees, on cool days you’re scoping sunny spots by the sandbox, and sometimes you can’t decide so you search for that perfect square of half-and-half.

4. Frisbee Lookout. Some parks have a lot of activities going on. Shaggy-haired dudes in hemp necklaces and bare feet toss Frisbees, dads play catch with their kids, and tiny toddlers in T-shirts and diapers run around playing Chase The Dog or Run till you Faceplant. If you’re looking to relax, you’ve got to avoid this happy chaos.

Yes, sometimes sunny Saturday afternoons are just begging for a casual walk down to your local park. Grab a coffee, throw the kids in a stroller, or walk a dog with friends. As that warm breeze blows by just close your eyes and enjoy a few quiet minutes of relaxing and soaking it all in.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Illustration from: here