I was the Mini Golf King.

Yes, back in those blurry late 80s there wasn’t a course that could trip me up. Slippery slopes, puddle patches, shady piles of windswept maple keys were all no match for my well-practiced whacking of that neon pink ball. Smack it off the chewed-up mat, bounce it off the windmill arms, and let it slowly straighten before dropping right into the hole.

That was my game.

The sound of a golf ball falling into the cup is the bounce-a-round sound of hole-finishing satisfaction. Whether you just finished smacking dented balls off tree trunks, chipping through the rough, or twelve-putting your way to the finish line, it really doesn’t matter.

Because that final shot always sounds the same.

It’s the sound of satisfaction going down the drain.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Dogs are lazy.

There, I said it. And you know it’s true. Look who’s sleeping on the couch, look who’s drooling on my socks, look who’s wandering around in circles. Dogs, my friend. Dogs, dogs, dogs.

And sure, maybe the dog economy has dried up a bit and it’s not as easy to give a dog a bone. But before this old man comes rolling home let’s take a moment to say thanks to the K9s actually earning their kibble:

• Seeing eye dogs. I feel bad for blind people of three hundred years ago. We hadn’t invented glasses yet and Seeing Eye dogs weren’t around. People like me probably walked around aimlessly till we fell in sewer holes or tried to pet a bear. Lucky for us, now glasses and seeing-eye dogs come through in the clutch – leading us out of harm’s way and letting us live another day.

• Junk yard dogs. Who else is going to guard all the spare tires, rusty chains, and piles of gravel around here? Braving rainstorms, mud puddles, and barbed wire makes junk yard dogging a tough life … but an honest life.

• The dalmation on the fire squad. Apparently firefighters took dalmations with them in the early days to be a sort of barking siren. Their aggressive nature and loud barks helped clear the streets for fire trucks to get to the blaze. It helped that they had a ton of energy and got along great with horses. Thanks, Spots.

•Bomb sniffing dogs. These four-footed beacons of courage are keeping our skies safe. I mean, would you enjoy inspecting suspicious duct-taped packages making ticking sounds? I didn’t think so. So make sure you give these weekend warriors a grateful head nod next time you walk past.

• Hunting dogs. Remember when you weren’t clay shooting back in Duck Hunt there was that friendly neighborhood hunting dog scaring the ducks out of the bushes so you could pop them? These guys are close cousins of the bloodhounds who help detectives find clues in the forest. They follow a work hard, play hard philosophy.

• Sheep dogs. Herding sheep over grassy hills is no walk in the park. While his friends are pissing on trees outside the pizza place the sheep dog runs around barking for hours. Fierce determination and a tireless work ethic are hallmarks of the role.

Yes, dogs with jobs keep the rusty gears of our economy creaking as they dedicate their noble lives to service. Dogs with jobs help our world go round.

Dogs with jobs are

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Sometimes it knows exactly how you feel.

Sometimes it knows exactly what you need.

Sometimes it plays a song that is exactly

AWESOME!

Props to the past.

The Stone Age is the term describing the giant time period from 600,000 years ago to 8000 years ago where our earliest ancestors first made tools from stone. Unless you happen to be an immortal wizard, I’m guessing you weren’t around back then. Yeah, me neither. But we sure owe a lot to our cave brothers and and sisters for the stuff they figured out to help us along our way. Seriously, 98% of our time on Earth has been living in The Stone Age, so it’s time to look back and give two opposable thumbs up to our makers.

Now, the first stone tools ever built are either the core type, formed by chipping stone to form a cutting edge, or the flake type, fashioned from fragments struck off a stone. Hand axes made their first appearance here for our hunter-gatherer grandparents.

After this there was a technology boom. Think of it like the dot-com era of the 1990s, only this was about 50,000 – 100,000 years ago and included the invention of Mousterian tools — instruments such as sturdy points and bone needles and thimbles to help sew furs and skins together for body coverings. Yes, blankets were born. Also, we began painting back here, decorating dead bodies with colors before burying our loved ones. Note that this was the start of the cosmetics industry with beads, necklaces, and ochre, but its peak wasn’t reached until sparkly blue eye shadow much later.

From about 50,000 years ago onwards we really hit our Stone Age stride. We started building pit houses, which are arguably our first homemade shelters. So camping suddenly became more of a nice-to-do instead of a have-to-do. Also, we started group hunting and fishing with new tools such as knives, spears, and harpoons. And in addition to stone, we started using bone and ivory to make artwork such as Venus figures.

Basically, The Stone Age is a really, really long time that happened a really, really long time ago. But without it, almost nothing we see, do, and use in our lives today would be possible. When we’re driving around in fast cars staring at stars, just remember where it all started — carving stones, shaping rocks, and charging our way forward into science and the arts.

Yes, from ochre to Play-Doh, from cave paintings to computer screens, we’ve gone from berries to jam and from running feet to submarines. From pit houses to apartments, from stone spears to pocket knives, our latest inventions keep us moving forward… and keep changing all of our lives.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, and here

We’ve all been there.

Whether you left the keys in your car, let a dorm door slam behind you, or just came home late without a key, we feel your pain, we feel your pain, we feel your pain.

Now after the panic drains and you stop going insane it’s time to get your brain together by slipping off your sneakers, pulling a ski mask over your face, and grabbing a giant empty sack with a dollar sign stamped across it. Yes, you’re a cat burglar and it’s time to bust into your own joint.

Unlocked windows, jimmied doorknobs, and bent wire hangers all help get the job done in style. Swing pet doors could also come in handy. Also! Be sure to try and fail to wedge a Mastercard in the doorjam for a couple minutes while saying “I saw this in a movie once”, just for the full experience.

Breaking into your own place after realizing you locked yourself out gives you a smirking sense of jewel thieving satisfaction. You get the high of being a bank robber without the guilt of walking around with a coat full of diamonds.

Let’s just call it a win win.

Let’s just call it

AWESOME!

I went to school in a small town on a big lake.

Sharp winter air bit our cheeks year round as we skidded across slippery slush sidewalks under sweaty bundles of wet scarves and snow-covered hats. Yes, fingers froze and so did toes in our blustery red-faced races to class.

Basically, it was all about getting where you were going and then staying there for good. After all, once you slow-peeled all the steamy layers off you didn’t really feel like moving anymore. Couch sessions were common with video games, basement movies, and dialing for dinner all part of our hibernation preservation.

Yes, we were grizzlies in the den until it finally ringed… When those winter chills faded and then finally bringed… those beautifully warm windy breezes of the first day of Spring!

That’s when warm air finally blew across our faces and woke up all our senses.

It was a beautiful moment.

It is a beautiful moment.

Tiny leaves push through sandy sidewalk cracks reaching out like skinny fists to the heavens. You can picture their invisible roots stretching their dusty arms, shaking cobwebs off their coats, and getting set to push deeper and deeper all summer long.

Warm winds stir up heady smells of dark topsoil, flower pollen, and squished worms. Running shoes soak through yellow grass and tiny mud bubbles rise around every step as you artfully dodge rogue dirty-ice chunks in the shade and last year’s dog poo.

Bike helmets wobble on shaky bikes, tongue-wagging dogs go on street-strolling hikes, and everyone smiles at this moment of delight.

So lose the jacket and get on your feet! Come join the party in the street! Just smell the trees and sniff those blossoms! Because our first warm day of Spring is so completely

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

It’s a beautiful day.

Don’t let it get away.

Now whether you’re holding hands in church, running with your dog at the park, just taking a break from the world, or just sleeping in till it’s dark, well … Sunday’s a good time to relax and enjoy some smaller moments:

1. Worship the Sun and ice cream. The word Sunday was originally named after “Sun’s Day” — just like Monday was “Moon’s Day”, Saturday was “Saturn’s Day.” Now it’s come to include giant bowls of ice cream, chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and nuts. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a chance to worship both on a wobbly picnic table on some sandy grass by the water.

2. Couch potatoes unite. Sunday is the perfect time to practice the ancient lost art of Completely Lazing Around. Curl up on the futon with your boyfriend during the ballgame, pop open a pizza box with your pals for kickoff, or flip the recliner beside Grandpa for a marathon session of bird chirps and whispers during golf.

3. I’ve got all my sisters with me. After wading through work and before diving back in again, it’s time to pause and enjoy quality time with your friends and family. Maybe it’s a holiday dinner at Grandma’s, maybe you’re visiting dad in the home, maybe you’re dining out at college, or maybe you’re laughing with friends on the phone.

Yes, sometimes if you’re lucky the world slows down a bit on Sundays. Today we say when those highways unjam, when phones quit their buzzing, when your tensions untangle … it’s time for some Sunday loving.

AWESOME!

Photos from: Sarah Ross

I’d make a bad waiter.

Yeah, balancing wobbly trays of wet glasses, slipping and sliding on slick kitchen floors, and rushing for refills after refills is just way above my abilities. Of course, sometimes when you hit your local eating trough you meet other waiters and waitresses over their head too. Like for instance:

1. No-Notepad Nathan. This is the guy who listens to everyone’s order without writing anything down. At first, you’re really impressed, but the wow factor disappears when all the meals come out wrong.

2. Disappearing Diane. She’s a great waitress during drinks and dinner, but after that — poof! — it’s like a cloud of smoke explodes and she just vanishes. Dirty dishes linger and you’re stuck walking around aimlessly, shoulder-tapping anyone in an apron looking for the bill.

3. Spilly Sonia. Watch out when that chicken noodle soup, soda refill, or gravy bowl arrives. Sonia is a bit of a klutz so you can expect lots of sauce smears, rogue fries, and wet glasses.

Yes, eating out ain’t easy and you never know what you’re gonna get. But that’s what makes it so great when you score a good one. Waiters and waitresses who know the menu really well help give us great times, great moments, and great nights. Confident recommendations, cautions against bad picks, and portion size estimates help us out.

So! To all those waiters and waitresses out there who know the menu really well … thanks for being there.

We hereby declare you

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Wait, wait, wait.

Let me get this straight.

Giant hunks of metal weighing half a million pounds soar in the air way above the clouds over deep dark oceans to deliver people to distant lands thousands of miles away?

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

In your car you used to have all this lying around: an empty Doritos bag, a napkin, a parking stub, and a coffee cup.

Now you just have a coffee cup.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here