#647 When the batteries are included

batteries I’m the Robin Hood of batteries.

Since I am an extremely cheap person I always rob from the rich, battery-filled remotes on my couch and give to the poor new gadgets laying on my counter. I stumble around Sherwood Living Room, clicking open plastic battery doors, hunting for dependable double-As to get the job done.

Of course, this battery robbery always backfires next time I sit down to watch a flick. I plop onto the couch and pick up the lighter-than-usual remote and then curse my former self for screwing my current self. Then the camera pans to another scene of me stumbling around again, this time battery-jacking the poor so I can feed the rich.

It’s a terrible, neverending cycle.

That’s what makes it special when batteries are included. That’s what makes it special when when you yank open the new Baby Farts-So-Real and there’s a small, plastic-wrapped case of cheapo batteries from the Taiwanese black market sitting in the box.

Sure, sure, maybe those knockoff Ultra-Power or Extra-V Vvoltage batteries don’t inspire the most confidence, but whatever man, because surprise batteries are a big win every time.

It’s like the company is saying “Come on, let’s get going, people.”

“First round’s on us.”


robin hood

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#649 Taking indoor furniture outdoors

couch porchForget picnic tables, plastic chairs, and patio sets. No, we’re talking about the real deal.

We’re talking about moving furniture from inside your pad to outside of it, and busting the shackles of climate control in favor of fresh air and a rocking good time.

Feel these beats:

1. Porch Couch. Sure, your worn out duct-tape-and-corduroy sofa is out in the elements, but now you get a comfy chill-out spot to watch the world go by. Porch couches are perfect for chilling after class at college, handing out Halloween candy, or taking your late night neighborhood watch shift.

2. Tailgate party. Man, have you seen some of these setups? I’m just an amateur, but sometimes we’re talking about the entire living room being transplanted onto the gravel parking lot outside the stadium. Pops balances the big screen in the pickup truck cab while Junior lays a rug down by the barbecue. It’s time for grilling.

3. Backyard Birthday. Wobbly folding chair legs sink into the grass while basement card tables are wiped off and covered in plastic tablecloths for their annual cameo as Punch Bowl Station or Place We’re Cutting The Cake Later.

People, when you move indoor furniture outdoors you’re spreading the party all over the place. Chill out, relax, and put your feet up on the cooler, because it’s sunny out and it’s time to enjoy the moment.



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#651 When your phone rings and it’s someone you were just thinking about

baby on phoneFaces float and fly through our brains.

Kicking pebbles, wearing backpacks, laughing about the school day, your friends flicker past you with red cheeks and windswept hair on cool and crisp walks home.

Silverware clinking, gravy boats dripping, your family sits in thick holiday sweaters under a sparkly chandelier amongst half-filled wine glasses and steamy bowls of broccoli.

Furnace quietly clicking, clock slowly ticking, your boyfriend lies beside you on the patchy corduroy couch in the dark unfinished basement, smiling between kisses and laughs, sharing a moment in a memory.

Somebody’s thinking about you right now, too.

Give them a call.


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#652 Using any long and thin item you can reach to grab the remote control so you don’t actually have to get up

remote controlDusty sunbeams streak through the window while you lay on the couch in a blissful half-asleep cocoon. Sometimes during this hazy daze a little voice in your brain politely asks that the TV be turned down or shut right off.

In moments like this there’s something satisfying about keeping as much of your body completely relaxed and perfectly still as possible while awkwardly grabbing the remote with your foot, a rolled up newspaper, or another remote that just happens to be closer.

After you stab at it and coax it across the carpet, you do the deed and let a little smile curl on your face as you fade deeper and deeper into your comfy afternoon nap.


fishing net



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#653 Scoring a compliment on your new haircut

new haircutHaircuts are stressful.

Come on, there are at least 3 Major Worries when you go get your lid trimmed:

1. Disappearing Choppers. Have you ever gone to your regular place and found your go-to person suddenly missing? Brother, that’s a bombshell. Plus, the gang left over can be pretty tight-lipped on details, too. No forwarding address, no new business cards, nothing. They just vanished and left only a few combs floating in the Barbicide for clues. Yes, now it’s time to step into the chair with The New Guy and grit your teeth, grab the handlebars, and brace yourself for a rickety journey down a dark mineshaft tunnel of horror. As the lights dim and you close your eyes, you hear the electric razor firing up in the distance…

mineshaft2. Doing A New Do. Asking the stylist to try something new is pretty high up there on the Greatest Fears Of All Time List. It’s jussssst above three-hour root canal and jussssst below getting a snake thrown on you when you’re sleeping.

3. Getting One-Upped. This is where you’re getting your haircut and one of your barber’s more loyal customers walks in the door. You can tell this new guy is a somebody because they immediately start dominating the conversation while you become the third wheel and your barber goes superspeed and starts cutting corners. Sure, this doesn’t happen too often, but if you’ve ever been one-upped you know what I’m talking about.

barbicideFolks, if you’re nodding, you know the stress of getting a haircut. As the stylist peels the nylon apron off of your neck and brushes hair shards off your neck and onto your back, you cautiously check the mirror and scope the new you. Sometimes you strut confidently out of the salon like you’re in a slow-mo shampoo commercial, but other times you squint at yourself and frown slightly while cartoony question marks pop above your head like bubbles.

On days when you have doubts, that little “Hey, nice haircut” compliment can do wonders for your self-esteem. Because, come on, we’re all self-conscious about those little patches of scraggly knots up there. Most of us don’t know what’s going on with our hair so we just sort of grin and bear it for most of our lives.

That’s what makes haircut compliments so sweet.

Thanks for saying something.



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#655 Getting to your movie seat just as the previews are starting

movie seatPlop down on those fat plushy seats, take a long drag of ice-cold cola, and let your eyes adjust to the big flickering screen. Slideshow guessing games and car commercials are long gone and now only the good stuff awaits. Time to get into it, get comfortable, and get your brain ready for a couple solid hours of





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