Author: Neil Pasricha

I hate $19.98.

When I’m pumping my car full of that sweet-smelling black gold, I get tense when I’m two cents away from a nice, round number. Maybe I’ve got a twenty dollar bill in my pocket or maybe I’m throwing it on a credit card. Either way, I just can’t be that satisfied with a $20.01 pump. If I hit $20.03 or $20.04, it’s like I wasn’t even paying attention. Call me The Big Squeeze at that point, because I clearly don’t know what I’m doing.

But if the opposite happens, if I tap that handle ever so sweetly and let a little thimble of gasoline drip into my tank so the numbers curl up to twenty bucks even, then it’s time to high-five the passengers, call the papers, and get ready for a beautifully changeless transaction.

For a split-second you transform.

Gone is mom driving the kids home from ballet, gone is the pizza driver doing a quick fill before midnight, gone is the sweaty suit pumping a fast one before riding the expressway to the office downtown.

Gone, gone, they’re all just gone.

Passers-by will squint at those pumps and swear they noticed something. Kids staring out the back of the station wagon will turn to each other and drop their jaws. Later on, newspaper reporters will write down eye-witness accounts from old folks on the porch across the street. “It must have been my imagination,” they’ll say. “But I swear I saw someone dressed all in black.”

People, if you let go of the gas pump at just the right moment, they’re talking about you.

Because you are The Pump Ninja.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

When I was a kid and played with He-Man guys or Transformers, there was always a time when the scale of whatever war I was waging grew beyond the number of figures I had from that set. This meant that I had to throw in other guys to pad the numbers to make sure everything was just fine.

For example, He-Man would help The Autobots when Skeletor was bearing down on them with all his henchmen, some bad GI Joe guys, Randy Macho Man Savage, and a lone Captain Planet villain from a random aunt two birthdays ago.

This also worked for tournaments, Battle Royals, and no-holds-barred street races.

You knew the races were getting out of hand when a big Tonka dump truck started playing dirty and dumped a half-dozen Micro Machines on the carpet to scramble and run the Batmobile off the road.

Sometimes my sister got in on it, too.

If the Decepticons kidnapped Barbie then Ken would jump on My Little Pony to try and rescue her. And if that didn’t work, she’d be forced to wheel out the big guns.

Yes, I’m talking about the Cabbage Patch Kids.

Oh sure, they were just stuffed dolls, but they were also four times the size any of my action figures and had really heavy faces that were strong as steel. Basically, the game was over at that point because she’d capture all my men and just toss them in the Easy-Bake Oven.

And come on, there was something great about those interspecies action figure wars. Think back and remember sliding across the carpet in your overalls, making spitty sound effects, and zooming your head into an imagination world that was so fun, so real, and so

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, here, and here

Illustration from: here

Your windshield wipers have no idea what’s going on as you enjoy your blissful two seconds of silence.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Changing diapers is not awesome.

In fact, it’s probably something you’d find over on 1000 Annoying Things, that non-existent netherlist we mentioned before which also features #998 When you realize you’re out of deodorant as you’re putting it on, #997 Forgetting your umbrella at the restaurant, and #996 When the hot water runs out before you rinse out your shampoo.

Mommy and daddy, you know what I’m talking about. Sure, you love your child, and yes, you rationally understand that frequent bowel movements are a sign of good health, but when you groan and grog-waddle over to the crib at three in the morning, it’s just not a pretty scene.

That’s why it’s so great when you’re expecting Number 2, but get lucky and just score a leaky Number 1 diaper. It’s like a tiny present from your little bundle of joy. So high-five the little slugger before pulling the quick-wipe and slapping on a new dipe.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

A fresh batch of personal emails is like a little basket of gold to start your day.

Grandkids telling you about their day at school, blurry photos attached from last night’s party, your mom asking what you want for your birthday, and dirty inside jokes between your closest friends are all piled on top of each other in your private little room of secret conversations.

You smile softly because a page full of personal emails tells you one thing for sure: people like talking to you. So pull your chair up, rub your palms together, and get ready to dive in.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

How do you spell relief?

Baby, it’s gotta be that deep sensation of finally relaxing your eyeballs when you pull your specs off at the end of the day. And whether you’re resting your Coke bottles on the bedside table or peeling your dry, itchy contacts out after a late night and a long cab ride, you just gotta love that perfect sense of freedom and fresh air.

Yes, when you pull off those lenses you can just blink twice, feel that burn, and give yourself a well deserved Pre-Dream eyeball massage.

Because you’re finally free.

Now, if you’re blessed with 20/20 vision, and have no idea what us blind folks are talking about, then let me give you the Top 5 Sorta-Similar Feelings from other parts of your life. Here you go, Perfect Eyes:

5. Unbuttoning the top button of your too-tight dress shirt after a long wedding day. You trucked around town in a strangling tux and a tie, your neck sweated and brown-collared your shirt through the pictures, wedding ceremony, speeches, and dance. When you’re back in the hotel room, just pop that button off and let it all go.

4. Flipping your belt buckle open after a big turkey dinner. You packed that stomach with slabs of turkey, slops of potatoes, mounds of stuffing, and a glass full of gravy, so when you let your stomach just flop onto your lap it’s impossible not to droop your eyelids and smile a nice and slow open mouthed smile.

3. Taking your shoes and socks off after a long day at work. Hey, we’ve talked about this one before, but it’s hard to beat the feeling of your leg hairs straightening out and blood recirculating in your calves after a sweaty day at the office.

2.Untying your corset in your dim, candle lit castle tower. Such sweet relief from a long day of washing your hair in the courtyard well, attending a stuffy dinner with the King, and sitting through hours of poetry with the troubadours in the town square.

1. Cracking open your ski boots after a day at the slopes and walking around in sock feet. All the bumps and blisters on your feet finally relax and dentisify by the chalet fire after being squeezed together all day.

If you’re still reading then you know all of these pleasures make life so juicy and delicious. So if you’re nodding along and loving these buzzes then you deserve big ups for enjoying tiny moments of pure bliss wedged tightly in the middle of your busy and stressful day.

So today we give you a recognition you truly deserve.

Congratulations on stopping to smell the

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, and here

!!!

AWESOME!

Photo from: honestly, please email me if you know

Hot baked, warm and steamy, that basket lands on your table and heats up your whole evening. So sniff it up, crack it open, and enjoy a delicious butter sandwich before the main course arrives.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Between clanging gongs at the beginning of Beat It my fellow six-year-old cousins and I would strike star poses, fling our hats, and blast fist-pumps to the sky. As the bass kicked in and the songs cranked up, we’d grab our crotches and form sweaty circles around each other for blazing solo dances, rocking out to Thriller and Billie Jean under flickering fluorescent lights in the hot basement. Energy buzzed through our veins as we closed our eyes, spun in circles, and danced loud and long into the night.

We’ll miss you, Michael. Thank you for showing us the power of passion. Thank you for being

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Sniff up some fumes and get ready for a brain cell party.

Yes, those sleeping memories from long ago will wake up and bounce and crash around your head as you close your eyes and let that salty-sweetness take you back to Kindergarten.

Fade to black and remember slightly greasy hands with bits in the fingernails, remember mixing all the colors together until they turned purple-brown, remember rolling out lots of cold lopsided worms, and remember the taste-test incident that resulted in a mouth full of salty chalk.

People, now there’s even a cologne to capture that smell for the ladies, so feel free to get your nostalgia on strong and spray down, my friends.

Yes, that smell of Play Doh takes us way back to the old school. If you’re sniffing up what we’re putting down, then you’re an old fool, who’s so cool. If you wanna get back, let us show you the way.

Whoomp, there it is.

Lemme hear you say.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here , here, and here