First, some apologies.

We’re sorry, Endurance Wrapper. You spent thirty minutes getting the present just right with your scissor-frilled ribbons, crisply folded corners, and those adorable little bows. You put time in and we didn’t respect that with your raccoon-with-rabies slaughtering of your gift.

We’re sorry, Auntie Paper Collector. We know you quietly keep all the discarded bows and paper to fold back into little piles for next year. Nobody minds the creased sun-faded reindeer wrapping paper because we know you’re saving money and the planet. But this time we didn’t leave you with much. Unless you’re collecting saliva-smeared scraps, squashed boxes, and torn bows.

We’re sorry, Garbage Collecting Dad. We see you trudging around the living room with the World’s Lightest Garbage Bag, scooping up all the tiny bits of tissue paper and sticky ripped price tags. We know your job would be a lot easier if all presents moved to a Gift Bag Only Policy.

We are very, very sorry to you all.

And now that we’ve apologized our conscience is clear.

Because the truth is we love ripping presents open like a drugged-up reindeer.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

It’s a wonderful life.

When you’re bunkering in the basement to get away from the holiday madness upstairs, it’s always nice when the channel flipping pops you onto your favorite old flashback.

Which classic gem burrows into your heart?

• That Rudolph stop-motion special. Sam the Snowman (no relation to Frosty) narrates this epic tale of outcasts Rudolph and Hermey the Elf as they stumble through the North Pole meeting Yukon Cornelius and the Abominable Snowman before taking refuge on the Island of Misfit Toys. Never forget the moral of the story: Follow your heart and become a dentist.

• A Charlie Brown Christmas. Like most Charlie Brown cartoons, this one features monotone voices, confusing plots, and dry humor. Thankfully, jazzy piano music and dancing kids makes it all come together.

• Any non-Christmas movie that takes place during Christmas. Sure, Bruce Willis crawling around office ducts in Die Hard might not seem festive, but listen closely to the background music and you’ll hear some Christmas tunes. Let’s throw Lethal Weapon, Gremlins, and Batman Returns, too.

• How The Grinch Stole Christmas. All the Whos living in Whoville have a serious problem in that there’s a freakish monster living in the cliffs above their romantic mountain town — dramatically reducing property values by the day. If you don’t love the big rhyming sing-a-long finish to this one, your heart is officially three sizes too small.

• Frosty the Snowman. Poor Frosty just doesn’t have the personality of Sam from the Rudolph special. And since they always air this one with Rudolph, the inferiority of Frosty jumps out even more. Honestly, if Frosty is your favorite old Christmas special, then I feel sorry for you. You had a rough childhood.

• Whatever special is on the same time as Frosty on the other channel. A Garfield Christmas, John Denver and the Muppets, or Will Vinton’s Claymation Christmas automatically win.

Finding your favorite holiday special from when you were a kid is like uncovering a hidden stash of buried treasure at the bottom of the sea. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen it a hundred times, have it on your computer, or own the DVD, either. There’s just something sweet about feeling like it was waiting there as this very moment … and feeling like the stars all aligned to give you a brief little dose of

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, here, and here

AWESOME!

Illustration from: Monsieur Cabinet

Be one with the stir fry.

Last night I worked late in cubicle jungle and drove down dark highways to arrive at my cold and lonely apartment after 8pm. After flicking on a couple lamps, turning on the stereo, and staring in the fridge, I decided to suddenly get ambitious and fry up a soupy soy-sauce surprise full of delicious and nutritious Random Crap From My Fridge.

Half a rubbery red pepper, two spoons of peanut butter, and an entire head of broccoli later, I’m suddenly zoning out of my head and into the sticky frying pan. Paper cuts and printer jams suddenly fade into a steamy garlic daze of stovetop hypnosis.

Dim lights, sizzling onions, and salty scents slip your head into a secret cooking zone where your body just slows, slows, slowws, slowwws, sloowwwws, slooowwwwws, sloooowwwwwwws, sloooooooowwwwwwwwws …..

AWESOME!

You’re out for dinner.

You’re having a chat in your booth when a rogue child suddenly appears at your table. Everybody stops to look at the Junior Runaway, living the romantic nomadic life between sticky tables and wobbly chairs at the chain restaurant. There are smiles, a couple friendly hellos, and then a parent appears to claim the child.

Rogue children appear anywhere parents are busy and kids are bored. Furniture showrooms, bank lineups, dentist offices, all fine places to spot endangered rogue children in their natural setting. Keep your eyes peeled for these three-foot creatures, who will likely be shy and curious, and pose no threat unless threatened, in which case they will bite.

Let’s let rogue children remind us that the world is a pretty simple place.

We’re all little kids wandering around looking for interesting things.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Do you remember RSVPs?

Yes, back in second grade when I scored a birthday party invite there was some social protocol that followed. I put the brightly colored cardboard on the fridge, we checked the kitchen calendar, and my mom phoned the other kid’s mom to let them know I’d be there.

The RSVP was my firm, unwavering commitment to an afternoon full of sweaty backyard races, spicy carpetburn, and screaming sugar highs. When you said you’d be there you’d be there.

These days the world is full of buzzing phones, double-booking, and changing plans. Texts sit unanswered, parties shrink and shift, and sometimes nobody knows who’s coming or going.

That’s where pinky swears come in.

When someone offers a pinky, they’re showing that they’re actually interested in following through. Accept that pinky and you enter into an unbreakable promise to get there too.

Locking pinkies and making the oath of commitment is a break from the World of Waffling. Suddenly the half-smile and headnod expectations we had get airlifted to a higher place. After pinky-promising to host the party, ask him to prom, or finish the project, we’re suddenly sitting together on the top of the mountain – with the world of empty seats, unasked questions, and broken promises lying far, far below us.

AWESOME!

Pink sunrises over shimmering seas, cracking storms booming over mountaintops, deep blues dimming as the winters freeze, stars twinkling high as your brain just … stops. How high is high, how far does it go, why do clouds smear like that, what makes a rainbow? Yes, it’s a freeing feeling zooming out of your brain and into the unknown — staring up into the sky, as the clouds roll by, way past the trees, deep into the stars, as our spinning world reminds us how small we all are.

AWESOME!

Do you ever get the Sheet Twister going?

That’s where you open your eyes in the morning to discover your pajamas halfway up your stomach, your arms dented with pillow zippers, and most of the sheets mysteriously twisted around one of your legs? Now you only have two choices and neither of them are great:

1. Get up. Whip the bed into a freshly made rectangle of coziness and get back to sleeping in. The only problem is that during the 15-second reset you may accidentally wake yourself up, realize you need to pee, and jostle your brain just enough to prevent falling asleep again.

2. Stay down. Keep the coziness but settle for the chills. Sure, you might try to peel the blanket back over you, but then the sheet doesn’t come up with it or your feet are suddenly feeling open air. Maybe you have one of those five-second freakouts where you kick your arms and legs like a wild animal trying to get everything organized. But this just gets your heart rate motoring and ends up in a crumpled sheet explosion.

Now, neither of these tricks does the job which is why it’s great when someone makes the bed with you in it. Suddenly your sleep-in gets extended into a tightly fitted sheet trapping, pillow flapping, body wrapping moment of

AWESOME!

Photos from: here

Illustration from Monsieur Cabinet

What are your brainjam words?

For me, I mix up ‘know’ and ‘now’ every single time I use them.

Yes, some neural pathways fused together in my brain twenty years ago and since then I always do a three-second triple-check-stutter-step whenever I’m writing either word out a sentence. Spellcheck stays silent and grammar check can’t be trusted, so I’m forced to actually think about whether or not I’m using these words the right way.

Brainjam words are any word you mess up every single time you use it.

Now if you’re like me Brainjam Word Fear sometimes results in bad reactions:

1. The Wraparound. You’re so afraid of the brainjam that you write a long sentence that avoids using the word altogether, even if it makes the sentence sound terrible. If you don’t comprehend what I mean, let me be told.

2. Wordfind paranoia. Before handing in a big essay, you’re so paranoid about submitting with brainjam words that you actually do a search in the document to find every single instance of them for octuple-checking.

3. Complete self-confidence meltdown. If you’re like me this is where your frustration with your inability to spell a three-letter word boils up to the point where you punch a monitor and leave a broken keyboard covered in hot salty tears on your desk. Not a pretty scene.

Of course, these bad reactions are what makes spelling your brainjam word feel so good. It’s a personal victory in the lifelong battle against those neural pathways that are always out to get you. “Maybe,” you think to yourself, after using the right ‘there’, spelling ‘a lot’ as two words, or use the right ‘its’, “I will never doubt myself again.”

“Maybe today is the day for new beginnings.”

“Maybe today is the day for victory.”

“Maybe today is the day for

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here