Scratch the crusty grill with the fraying wire brush so all the tiny black flecks spray on your baggy khaki shorts. Twist open the spiderweb-covered propane tank or light the charcoal and then go inside to assemble your plastic tray of food.
Bring out the sauce-smeared drumsticks, homemade hamburgers, or slippery wieners and toss them on there. Let the meat sizzle as you fill the backyard, deck, and neighborhood with that beautifully smoky smell of
AWESOME!
Photo from: here
Welcome to the saloon.
Jump off your tired horse, kick your cowboy boots together, and step through the swinging gates into your home away from home. Dusty sunbeams streak through dirty stained-glass windows and shadows fall on your closest friends laughing in a dank and dirty world away from it all. Tip your hat at the girl across the room, slap your pals on the back, and slip onto a cozy stool to trade stories and jokes with the bartender and catch up on all the gossip you missed.
Welcome to the saloon.
Jump onto your cell phone, check your text messages, and log into your email to catch up on forwards from friends. Bleeps and bloops ring from plastic screens as you share laughs with faces in a secret digital world away from it all. Poke the boy across the room, catch up on blogs, and instant message all your friends while skimming all the comments and one-liners you missed.
Losing cell phone service is like temporarily leaving the saloon and heading into the chilly night air for a crisp midnight walk down the black roads of your hometown. It’s a refreshing feeling of clearing your head, finding your thoughts, and finally floating alone through our webby world of loose connections.
It can feel great to walk away from it all. But it sure can feel great to pop back in.
Getting cell phone service back after not having it for a while is like stepping through the swinging doors and joining us all back in the saloon.
Welcome home.
AWESOME!
I’d love to meet you Tuesday, April 26th at The Book of (Even More) Awesome book launch at the Indigo Manulife in Toronto.
I’m pretty forgetful.
I forget keys in my pants, food in my microwave, and words at the end of my.
Being forgetful is a terrible thing. Seriously, if you’ve ever tapped your empty pockets in front of your locked front door you know exactly how painful it can be.
Fortunately we live in a bright and modern Future World where decades of cutting edge research has resulted in breakthrough technological advances that give us a way to remember all the things we’d otherwise leave behind.
I’m talking about throwing them in your shoe, people.
It’s an ingenious and failproof scientific system of helping your Future Self out whenever you think your Current Self might leave something behind.
Yes, putting things in your shoe so you don’t forget them later.
Works for everything except babies, raw eggs, and Micro Machines.
AWESOME!
Your lungs deserve the best.
Escape the parking garage, forget the fast food fumes, and run away from that photocopying daze in the cubicle farm.
When you get way out in the open, when you’re sailing over the deep blue sea, when you’re climbing to the top of the mountain, just take a breath for you and me.
AWESOME!
Talk about a win-win-win-win.
• If you’re already done! Brother, you just earned some breathing room. Sit back and smile as everyone sweats it up next week and pat your own back for being on top of your game. If you feel like it you can make improvements and hand in Version 2.0 of Your Masterpiece. Or you can simply make improvements to the amount of dancing cat videos you’ve watched online lately. Your choice.
• If you’re nowhere close! Then this is for you! Yes, you were drowning in deadlines when this one thankfully got moved so now you finally catch your breath and get organized. Take a deep breath and catch up to yourself.
• If you’re the teacher! Congratulations! You just enabled your own procrastination. Forget spending the weekend reading a pile of book reports or grading science labs. Nope — now’s the time to clean out the fridge, spend a day on the couch, and maybe even finally finish that Solitaire game that’s been taunting you. Watch out for falling cards.
• If you’re the deadline! Why, you don’t mind at all either. This could be due to your lack of consciousness.
So listen up, teachers and bosses of the world: When you extend those deadlines we’re loving you lots. Life’s too short to stress out all the time so give us a break and we promise to pay you back with full-face smiles, cracking high fives, and great big screams of
AWESOME!
Photos from: here
Get down, get funky, get loose.
When the tunes starts bumping and your car starts thumping it’s time to dance it off in the passenger or back seat. Slam the glove compartment, roll down the windows, and give these moves a try:
• The Bird. Both the driver and passenger get involved with this one. Each person sticks one arm out each window and gets slowwwwwwww flapping. Birdcalls can be added for effect or just enjoy the ride.
• Reverse Irish Dancing. Michael Flatley was Lord of the Dance with his super-fast-legs styles. Go the opposite by keeping your legs buckled up while getting the upper body bouncing. Head bobs, shoulder shrugs, and flailing elbows? Testify!
• Air Drumming. Bang the dash, bang the windows, and bang those bucket seats. Make sure you point all the air vents towards you and crank the fan for full effects. Bonus points awarded for headbanging so hard you engage the seatbelt.
• Air Boxing. This is just a twist on Air Drumming and is primarily used for LL Cool J’s Mama Said Knock You Out.
• Mime Dancing. When you’re rocking out wearing headphones nobody hears those drums thumping and that bass kicking. But they see you enjoying them both. Lip synching with scrunched eyebrows and wistful eyes is always nice here.
When you can’t go outside cause you’re strapped in for the ride sometimes it gets blurry and boring out the windows. Cloud float up high and trees whip on by while you sit and itch for some energy and some fun. So when the talking is done and you’re cruising in the sun make sure you get those buns bouncing to the beat, clap your hands and stomp those feat, and make some car dancing magic … in your car dancing seat.
AWESOME!
Scott got screwed.
Back in ninth grade my friend Scott was assigned a locker buddy named Kyle who played trumpet in the school band. They shared a thin locker down a dark and dusty hallway outside the Boy’s Changeroom. Not only did it smell like armpit, but it was about a three-minute hike from any of our classes.
Now, Scott gave Kyle the top shelf so he was stuck on his knees every morning wedging his winter jacket, books, and boots onto the rusty floor of the thing. I have a painfully vivid memory of watching Kyle’s trumpet case majestically tumble from the top shelf and completely nail Scott in the face.
You could say he had a bad locker.
Getting a good locker in high school makes all the difference. You need a convenient spot to grab your books when you’re running late, easy access to the bathroom and cafeteria, and a good Locker Neighborhood near all your friends.
And tumbling trumpets to the face should be avoided wherever possible.
AWESOME!
I was the Mini Golf King.
Yes, back in those blurry late 80s there wasn’t a course that could trip me up. Slippery slopes, puddle patches, shady piles of windswept maple keys were all no match for my well-practiced whacking of that neon pink ball. Smack it off the chewed-up mat, bounce it off the windmill arms, and let it slowly straighten before dropping right into the hole.
That was my game.
The sound of a golf ball falling into the cup is the bounce-a-round sound of hole-finishing satisfaction. Whether you just finished smacking dented balls off tree trunks, chipping through the rough, or twelve-putting your way to the finish line, it really doesn’t matter.
Because that final shot always sounds the same.
It’s the sound of satisfaction going down the drain.
AWESOME!
Photo from: here
Dogs are lazy.
There, I said it. And you know it’s true. Look who’s sleeping on the couch, look who’s drooling on my socks, look who’s wandering around in circles. Dogs, my friend. Dogs, dogs, dogs.
And sure, maybe the dog economy has dried up a bit and it’s not as easy to give a dog a bone. But before this old man comes rolling home let’s take a moment to say thanks to the K9s actually earning their kibble:
• Seeing eye dogs. I feel bad for blind people of three hundred years ago. We hadn’t invented glasses yet and Seeing Eye dogs weren’t around. People like me probably walked around aimlessly till we fell in sewer holes or tried to pet a bear. Lucky for us, now glasses and seeing-eye dogs come through in the clutch – leading us out of harm’s way and letting us live another day.
• Junk yard dogs. Who else is going to guard all the spare tires, rusty chains, and piles of gravel around here? Braving rainstorms, mud puddles, and barbed wire makes junk yard dogging a tough life … but an honest life.
• The dalmation on the fire squad. Apparently firefighters took dalmations with them in the early days to be a sort of barking siren. Their aggressive nature and loud barks helped clear the streets for fire trucks to get to the blaze. It helped that they had a ton of energy and got along great with horses. Thanks, Spots.
•Bomb sniffing dogs. These four-footed beacons of courage are keeping our skies safe. I mean, would you enjoy inspecting suspicious duct-taped packages making ticking sounds? I didn’t think so. So make sure you give these weekend warriors a grateful head nod next time you walk past.
• Hunting dogs. Remember when you weren’t clay shooting back in Duck Hunt there was that friendly neighborhood hunting dog scaring the ducks out of the bushes so you could pop them? These guys are close cousins of the bloodhounds who help detectives find clues in the forest. They follow a work hard, play hard philosophy.
• Sheep dogs. Herding sheep over grassy hills is no walk in the park. While his friends are pissing on trees outside the pizza place the sheep dog runs around barking for hours. Fierce determination and a tireless work ethic are hallmarks of the role.
Yes, dogs with jobs keep the rusty gears of our economy creaking as they dedicate their noble lives to service. Dogs with jobs help our world go round.
Dogs with jobs are
AWESOME!
Sometimes it knows exactly how you feel.
Sometimes it knows exactly what you need.
Sometimes it plays a song that is exactly
AWESOME!
