It’s been a long afternoon.

Making a list, checking it twice, heading to the store for milk, bread, and rice.

Brother, let’s face facts: when you finally wheel onto your slippery leaf-covered driveway with a trunk full of wet celery, rolling apples, and melting ice-cream, all you wanna do is finish the job quick.

It’s time to put her in park and start yanking bag after bag from the trunk and start holding them with every possible bag-holding-body-part you got.

First grab the heavy bags of milk and potatoes with one hand and the 2L bottles of Coke and frozen lasagnas with the other. Then pile on the fruits, veggies, yogurts, and be careful with those eggs, careful with the eggs there. Now while teetering awkwardly with eight plastic bags digging into your forearms, just grit your teeth and grab the final bag of bread and cold cuts with your left pinky while squeezing a giant, bulk-pack of toilet paper under your right armpit.

Now shut the trunk and lock the door using only your elbow, chin, and teeth.

Annnnnnnd … you’re good!

Oh sure, it’s not very majestic, but it’ll have to do because there is no way you’re coming back out here again. No, you did your job and now it’s time for your spouse and kids to fill the fridge and pantry — so just run in the door, toss the bags on the floor, and scream “I’m back from the store!”

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Wind whips through your hair and smacks your cheeks as you scream down the slope at the rip-rocketing speed of

AWESOME!

Illustration from: here

Hands up if you drive on the snowy side of the planet.

If so then you know how your icebox on wheels gets sick when the weather dips. Washer fluid smears and freezes on your windshield, windows jam shut, and those nasty, rock-hard clumps of dirty frozen slush start bumper surfing on the back of your ride.

Sure, sure, your tires spin in the snowbanks and sand those car boogers into dirty brown icicles. But then they just hang there proudly — slushy arms crossed, salty eyebrows raised, and fat icy grins on their faces like they own the place.

Yes, they ride along when the family picks up a Christmas tree, sit caboose on the trip to the mall, and hang silently in the shadows of the driveway all night, perfectly still, perfectly quiet … and waiting.

That’s why it’s so satisfying when you put the boot to those slushy chunks and show them who’s boss. When you drop them to the mat it’s like yanking a swollen appendix out of an eight-year-old in the operating room, throwing garbage bags of old clothes up and out of the basement, or tossing the churning sea of sickness in your stomach into the toilet.

Kicking those clumps of frozen slush off the back of your car gives us all a big Awwww yeah moment of

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Has long left turn lane got you down?

Are you backed up past where the lane even begins? Is there an 18-wheeler in front of you pulling a massive wraparound turn at the speed of sloth? Did the guy in the intersection hit the brakes when you expected him to gun it, delaying you both for another light? Or did a car in oncoming traffic run a red and keep you stranded awkwardly in no man’s land?

Baby, if you’re stalled at the amber and are feeling bright red, have we got the cure for you: The Surprise Left Turn Arrow.

Yes, when that neon green arrow suddenly flashes above you, just hammer the gas and get going, because the curtain’s up, the audience is cheering, and the stage is calling you on.

AWESOME!

Tssssssssssssss.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Thanks, boss.

When you observe the safe haven of our evenings and weekends by scheduling company events during company hours, we’re loving you lots. Because come on, we all have lots going on after work — clothes need washing, family needs visiting, and the kids have a sports tournament out of town.

So throw that company picnic on a sunny Friday afternoon. We’ll get the Frisbee going with the assistant manager and gather around the wobbly buffet table to try the secretary’s homemade potato-and-egg salad or the vice-president’s expensive, store-brought brownies. Get those team-building exercises motoring on Monday morning, when we all need coffee jolts and trust falls to perk us up for the week. And toss your recognition lunches in the middle of the week, when a chilled-out Wednesday barbecue helps get us through to the other side.

When company events are scheduled on company time, we get a magical little moment where the photocopier stops, lines slow down, and we all relax for a couple chilled out hours of

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Back at college, I remember walking up to my friend Mike’s house on Halloween and seeing him frantically painting bright, red briefs onto a pair of nice blue jeans. He was really going at it, too — slapping the wet brush all over the crotch  and pockets, wagging his tongue out like a dog.

Of course, an hour later he showed up to the party as Superman. And though he didn’t leap any tall buildings in a single bound he did manage to drink most of the punch bowl faster than a speeding bullet.

More importantly, his last minute Halloween costume got us all laughing. Some of the best ones do that:

• Professional baseball player. This is where you dig through your closet and peel out that old sweat-smelling jersey and orange foam hat from little league. Throw on your baseball glove and paint some thick black lines under your eyes and you’re good to go.

• Sandwich. My friend Brian once slapped a piece of bread on his chest and another on his back and went as a sandwich. You’ve heard of a quarter pounder, right? Well this was a two-hundred pounder.

• Vending Machine. Here’s where you duct tape little bags of chips and chocolate bars all over your body. If your party’s working properly, they’ll be ripped off you within ten minutes of getting there.

• The random closet mish-mash with a funny name. You’ve got a purple tie, dark shades, and leather pants so you go as a Club-Going Comedian With A Black Eye. You’ve got a bridesmaid dress, oven mitts, and a tiara, so you go as Lounge Singer Baking Cookies For A Bachelorette Party. You get the idea.

• Jabba The Hutt. Time to laze around on the couch in a green sleeping bag.

• A Road. Simply rip off a long strip of masking tape and stick it up your stomach and down your back. For bonus points, add a couple dinky cars to your shirt. Watch out for speed bump jokes.

• A Terrible Record Collection. My friend Alec once bought a milk crate of old records for a quarter from a garage sale. They were in horrible condition, but the price was right so he took them home. For Halloween he safety-pinned most of them on himself and went as A Terrible Record Collection. It was a good laugh, but since he couldn’t really move he ending up spending most of the party whisper-singing Monster Mash to himself on a futon.

• Grapes. Boy, if you’ve got some purple or green balloons laying around, have we got a costume for you.

• Yourself. This is where you arrive at the party completely unprepared, but rather than fess up you just tell people you’re going as yourself this year. Then whenever someone says “But that’s not a costume,” you say “Maybe it is…” and give them a really exaggerated wink.

• Stuff From My trunk. Okay, back to Superman Mike. Last year he wore an enormous tarp around his neck like a cape and wrapped himself in twine and booster cables. People, keep in mind this is the same guy who once strung a bunch of pots and pans over his shoulders and went as Pots and Pans.

Okay listen, when somebody puts an amazing amount of time and effort into a kick-ass costume, that’s worth celebrating. Nobody here denies that. All we’re saying today is if you manage to scramble around your house at the last minute and get us all laughing with your hilariously creative costume then that’s complete admirable.

It’s simply commendable.

It’s downright respectable.

And we all know it’s just totally

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, and here

Finger-picking the sticky congealed remains off the top of the plastic glue lid sounds like no fun, but come on: it’s relatively clean and easy, satisfies some obsessive-compulsive instincts, and gives us all some smoooooooooth streaming for the rest of crafts day.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

I’m the Robin Hood of batteries.

Since I am an extremely cheap person I always rob from the rich, battery-filled remotes on my couch and give to the poor new gadgets laying on my counter. I stumble around Sherwood Living Room, clicking open plastic battery doors, hunting for dependable double-As to get the job done.

Of course, this battery robbery always backfires next time I sit down to watch a flick. I plop onto the couch and pick up the lighter-than-usual remote and then curse my former self for screwing my current self. Then the camera pans to another scene of me stumbling around again, this time battery-jacking the poor so I can feed the rich.

It’s a terrible, neverending cycle.

That’s what makes it special when batteries are included. That’s what makes it special when when you yank open the new Baby Farts-So-Real and there’s a small, plastic-wrapped case of cheapo batteries from the Taiwanese black market sitting in the box.

Sure, sure, maybe those knockoff Ultra-Power or Extra-V Vvoltage batteries don’t inspire the most confidence, but whatever man, because surprise batteries are a big win every time.

It’s like the company is saying “Come on, let’s get going, people.”

“First round’s on us.”

AWESOME!

Photos from: here

Sure, there may be a few tense minutes while the little rascal gets trapped between the sliding doors, but if you’re patient he’ll eventually find his way outside and you can rest feeling a little less murderery.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here