I was a bad baby.

From the time I was zero minutes old I was wide-eyed, wide-awake, crying and cranky. Bedtime meant nothing and my parents say I’d often stand in my crib staring around the room rattling the bars all night.

Sleeplessness stuck as the years rolled on and I’d lie in the dark quiet house staring at the ceiling with my eyes bugged open for hours. Eventually I discovered books and started squinting through thick Coke-bottle glasses — lips softly moving, fingers slowly dragging — getting pulled into new worlds and new lives. Dim lights cast dark shadows by my dresser as I followed Frank and Joe to Pirate’s Cove or cracked cases with Encyclopedia Brown.

When I went to high school I tried to sleep in, I practiced even, but it just wouldn’t take. And since nobody was crazy enough to date me, I spent most of my evenings nose deep in musty yellow paperbacks tattered from the library, creasy finger-dents in the backs, big cracks in the spine.

These days my fingers can still feel the crinkly color-faded pages of garage sale Archie comics. I can still smell the musty kid’s section of the dim library basement. My brain still reels with flashbulb-popping memories of flipping pages with mom before bed.

I think I’ve loved books since I was a crib-rattling baby. I love squeezing them in suitcase pockets, leaving them teetering on toilets, and curling up with them under blankets on wet rainy days.

Today The Book of Awesome hits shelves around the United States. Next week it’s coming to Canada. And soon it’s coming to more countries around the world.

I feel tremendously lucky and honored that a chance to chat with y’all about awesome things rose out of such difficult times in my personal life. Your comments, suggestions, and support means so much to me and I sincerely hope you like the book.

And maybe this one’s for yourself, maybe it’s a gift for Grandma, or maybe it’s for a little kid with thick glasses to read under the covers tonight.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Stare at that ceiling.

Sweaty palms, white knuckles, deep breaths in bed.

Maybe the ring’s stowed away and the reservations are made. Maybe the results are coming in and everyone’s coming over. Maybe you’re buttoning down for a new job or following your heart and leaving an old one.

As the moonlight shines in your window excitement bubbles in your brain.

It’s almost here.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Everybody hurts, sometimes.

Relationships fritz and fizzle, bad moods steam and sizzle, and we all have moments where all we wanna do is to curl up under a blanket so it all goes away.

In tear-stained moments of blackness, when the weight of the world hangs heavy, there’s nothing as sweet as a furry four-footed friend noticing your mood and coming over for a snuggle.

As your dog curls into your lap or your cat stares straight in your eyes you just suddenly sniff back hot salty tears and let a small smile curl onto your face.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

It didn’t used to be this way.

For hundreds of thousands of years our species peed freely, whenever, wherever. Yes, whether we were roaming jungles, crossing ice bridges, or having picnics in plains, it wasn’t always pretty but when nature called, we answered.

Things are different now.

Most of the time our bladders are all locked up.

Yes, with our stadium seating, boardroom meetings, kid’s soccer games, and smooth highway lanes, the one thing we didn’t build in was an easy way to clear some leaves and squat in the corner. Honestly, how many times have you been looking for parking and circling the lot, waiting for a movie to wrap up the plot, or just fumbling with keys so you can race to the pot?

Listen, I’ve been there too. Yes, it’s always a tight squeeze, with bouncing knees, and gritted teeth, but we accept this tradeoff in exchange for living in our bright and modern World of Pants. And a world where everybody wears pants is great, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that it cramps our style sometimes.

That’s why finally peeing after holding it forever feels so great. It’s like millions of years of animalistic need bursting through the chains and restraints of modern social norms. It’s the bathroom equivalent of a primal scream and it feels oh so incredibly

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Just look at them.

Cute, cuddly, giggly, smiling, holding hands wedged deeply in the restaurant booth. Picking nachos, sipping cola, you casually ask how they met and then listen with warm wide-eyed smiles as they stutter and stumble over all the little details and tiny moments that helped bring them together.

He did this, she did that, he was thinking this, she was thinking that. She thought he thought, but he thought she thought, and then there was this party, and then there was that night.

Just look at them.

AWESOME!

The Big Night Nap is any nap you take before going out for a big night.

When you nail this warm up nap perfectly you end up with a long memorable evening without dog yawns, wristwatch glances, and early cave-ins.

Now, that doesn’t mean Big Night Naps are easy to pull off. No, no, the truth is you gotta be careful in that late afternoon Napping Danger Zone:

1. The Power Nap. Top of the charts. This is the perfectly executed twenty-minute power up that fills up your energy bar and gets you ready to take on the world.

2. The Call Waiting Nap. Your plans aren’t firmed up so you leave your cell phone beside you. This forces you to pop up to answer text messages and take groggy phone calls.

3. The Choreographed Nap. This is where you convince all your friends to take a Big Night Nap, too. You know them well and realize they’ll zonk out early if they’re not in the game. Do like Parker Lewis and synchronize watches.

4. The Neverending Nap. Whoops! You were gonna do a quick snooze but your body had other plans. You groggily kick off your socks as your phone buzzes on your dresser. You’re going straight to morning now. Expect a 4:00am wake up call.

5. The Extend-O-Night Nap. You head out to someone’s house without napping but start losing steam as everyone else is revving up. So you head upstairs and take a quick zonkout on the bed full of jackets. You don’t have to be eight years old to pull this off, people. You’ll be back in the game in no time.

So… save ’em for new years, save ’em for slumber parties, save ’em for nights you need extra juice. Yes, when you go down early to get down late it’s a beautiful moment of party planning that we like to call

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

It’s all about water pressure.

Honestly, getting a misty low pressure shower is a slightly damp nightmare.  You may as well spray yourself with a water bottle or shampoo your hair in the YMCA steam room at that point.

No, you want that high pressure spray down, you crave that high pressure spray down, you need that high pressure spray down. You know the one: it punches you in the heart, power blasts the armpit scum away, and turns your entire bathroom into a hot and steamy Chamber of Bliss.

Not much affects your day every day as much as a good shower. And it’s hard to fix a bad one. So when you find out your new place gives you a power-pumping start to the day, it’s time to close the door, strip right down, and get ready to get completely

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Hey, baby.

Take a ride on the wild side.

Yes, while walking down that empty grocery store aisle look left at the Cocoa Puffs, look right at the rice cakes, nod confidently, and then step on the cart and fly.

Apples bounce, salami slides, and there are some intense g-forces on your loaf of bread. But a few seconds later, a few feet away, how much are you smiling after that dangerous floor-tile thrill ride to the yogurt section?

Now, there are a few different ways the dangerous deeds go down.

Here we go:

1. Pedal to the metal. This is the classic one-foot ride to heaven. Two hands on the bar, one foot jammed underneath, and your back leg hanging out like a wobbly figure skater. Just make sure you’ve got a watermelon and a sack of potatoes in your cart to hold her steady.

2.Two Footer. This is similar to the Pedal to the metal, but with more commitment. Without your skiddy-soled runners providing an emergency brake anything could happen. Remember to know your limits and play safe out there.

3. A Tisket A Tasket. Someone’s riding in the basket. Make sure you don’t crash into a wall of soup because the only air bags in this thing are full of onions.

4. The Station Wagon. Remember that backseat in old station wagons facing the opposite direction? This is the shopping cart version. Hold on tight to the front of the cart and hope the driver doesn’t steer you into the egg wall.

5. The Submarine. Highly not-recommended. This deep sea move consists of riding underneath where the soda cans and diapers  usually sit. It also consists of being at the mercy of the lunatic driver above you. Remember to be safe in that grocery store jungle. Nobody wants to go home with a forehead full of kidney bean can dents.

Yes, taking a quick spin on a shopping cart is a coffee aisle vacation.

It’s juice and jam jubilation.

It’s a diaper dash temptation.

And it’s a supermarket celebration.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, and here

Toss it mean and catch it clean.

Drop that jaw, tilt that head, and let’s get down to business:

• Level 1: Pop Practice. It’s important to start small with popcorn. There are no penalties for misses here, since the corn is light and doesn’t collect much dust if it hits the ground. This is a baby step and it will take time to master, but it’s an important rite of passage before hitting the next levels. (Note: In some circles, this level also covers marshmallows, Cheerios, and Corn Pops.) 5 points.

• Level 2: The Grape Beyond. Yup, next step is big ol’ grapes. Usually someone on the other end of the movie couch is munching on the vine in their own little bowl. If you’re feeling a bit hungry, simply drop your mouth and tap the couch cushion while saying ‘Uhn! Uhnnnnn!’ to get their attention. Soon a cold, hard grape should be flying fast at you. If the toss is good you should catch it perfectly. Other fruits like raspberries and strawberries fit here as well. 10 points.

• Level 3: Dog On A Bone. This extremely advanced move involves catching something larger than your actual mouth. An apple, peeled orange, or corn on a cob are good targets. You need to time the molar chomp perfectly and be prepared for embarrassing T-shirt stains and a black eye. 25 points.

Yes, when you catch food in your mouth you’re suddenly sitting high on top of the snack-eating universe. You’ve just combined equal parts laziness and athletic ability in a daring couch potato feat the likes of which this family room has never seen before. So when you nail it smoothly you know what to do.

Chomp it loud.

Chew it proud.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Crack that back.

Everybody’s got their own gorilla jungle noises when they wake up in the morning. There’s a few famous moves for waking up your bones:

1. The Insane Wiggle. This one’s the classic. There’s no focus and direction here — you’re just twisting and turning in a crumpled lump of sheets and twisted blankets. Maybe you squeeze your face into your pillow, pull your legs into your chest, or just let out some long slow grunts to feel that stretchy buzz in the small of your back.

2. The Starfish. This is where you lay in bed and stretch your arms and legs in all directions. The starfish works best if you somehow managed to land a night in a king-size hotel bed by yourself.

3. The Old Man Can Walk Again. When I lived in Boston my roommate Joey was famous for this. You’d hear his bedroom door creak open and he’d slowly inch out — hunched over in a stained undershirt and baggy boxers, blindly touch-feeling his way to the bathroom without his glasses on. Eventually he’d give a few loud grunts and stretch up like he was getting out of his wheelchair for the first time in years.

4. The Yogi Master. These people actually do real stretches when they wake up. They might even throw their hair in a ponytail, lay down the mat, and jump into a tight black unitard.

5. The Cobra. Here’s where you stretch your spine out by leaning up like a cobra. For full effect make sure to throw a few hisses and menacing head fakes at your sleeping husband.

6. The Safety Stretch. Here’s where your bed buddy is sleeping in a little later than you’re careful not to wake them. Watch the grunts, watch the groans, and stretch out nice and quietly, people. Sure, it’s not as rewarding but it sure beats accidental punching someone in the temple when they’re drooling and dreaming.

7. The Ballet Dancer. Prop one foot up on the radiator and lean forward like you’re about to hit the stage. Tutu optional but recommended.

8. The Dog Leg. That big dog stretch sends all your molecules zooming around so fast your leg just starts pounding the mattress uncontrollably.

Now, no matter your style it sure feels great to stretch that spine, get the blood flowing, and crack and pop all your bones into place. Plus, if you’re lucky enough to catch someone else in the middle of their giant sleepy-eyed stretch, well that’s just a bonus.

Bring on the day.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, here, and here