You’re the master wiggler.

Nice move loosening that awkwardly-curled delicious pink meat from the plasticy trappings of its own tail. Now you’ve increased your shrimp intake and can rest knowing the shrimp’s life was made entirely useful.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, shrimp to

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Toast gets cold fast.

I’m reminded of this nearly every morning after I toss a couple scrambled eggs onto a plate and then mindlessly chomp into the cold and crumby jam-smeared bread that’s been lying around for a couple minutes.

Do you have issues like I have issues?

Hands up if you’ve ever watched your veggies get cold while the pot roast kept roasting, or served some hot, piping garlic bread before waiting thirty minutes for the lasagna to finish. Yes, eating the side dish long before the meal ranks up there on 1000 Annoying Things, that non-existent netherlist that also includes #983 Peeling off a band-aid that’s stuck to your arm hair, #982 When full hugs meet side hugs, and #981 Clogging someone else’s toilet.

And that’s why it’s so great when everything you’re cooking gets done all at once. When microwaves ding and ovens chime and everything is ready all at the same time, well that’s an itty bitty moment of bliss and a great big feeling of

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

I live in a tall apartment building downtown.

Whenever I get home from the office I tap a little gray button thing or ‘fob‘ on my key chain onto the black box sensor near the front door which unlocks it. If I forget my fob, I’m locked out and forced to nonchalantly impersonate a Trustworthy Fellow Tenant until I can squeeze behind someone else. Yes, if you come home and I’m just whistling outside the front doors with my hands in my pockets, nice to meet you! I live here and just happen to be going inside now, too.

Sometimes I’ve actually got my keys and fob with me but they’re buried deep in my backpack or pants pockets and I’ve got my hands completely full of groceries. This is when I employ The Backpack Bump and simply reverse into the sensor over and over until it connects and the door unlocks. It’s a beautiful no-hands move to get me in the door.

Yes, if you’re with me, then you know advanced moves are often required to open security doors without using your hands. In addition to The Backpack Bump, I’ve seen young and old alike pull off The Hip Shimmy, which looks like a jerky country dance move involving your pocket or belt buckle touching the sensor. This one is best done while wearing extremely tight light blue jeans and a plaid shirt tied into a knot at the bottom.

Also, let’s not forget The Head Bow, which is when you’re returning to your college residence and you’ve got your fob hanging around your neck in a jangle of assorted keys and plastic dining hall cards. The Head Bow prevents you from needing to take off the key jangle and your hands can continue munching on your dining hall ice cream cone while text messaging.

Opening security doors without using your hands is an advanced skill that requires minutes of practice. When you finally master these moves it means you’ve become an Apartment Building Jedi.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

There’s always a photo.

Yes, whenever I finished up a few painful months of smacking T-ball stands or getting beaned by soccer balls it was time for that classic end-of-the-year, middle-of-the-field photo shoot. Straighten your shinpads, comb your cowlick, and tighten your cleats, because the flashbulb is gonna pop as we all stop to capture this tiny little moment in time.

Now the person who lies down in front of the team is generally that sort of outgoing, informal captain of the squad. They’re the fun-loving one who gets people laughing and has no problem posing swimsuit-model style with a volleyball clutched firmly in their hands.

It’s not that the person lying down at the front of the sports team photo is more important than anyone else.

It’s just that they’re a tad more

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Please don’t steal my wallet.

Honestly, I’ve got my entire life scrunched into that little slap of leather. Credit cards, ID, and lots of other Really Annoying Things To Replace fill up my back pocket every day of my life. Once in a while I’ll be in an airport in another country, on a bounce-a-long business trip, or swinging on top of a Ferris Wheel and I’ll suddenly panic and think “If I lose my wallet here, I’m screwed.”

Yes, we all know the pain of losing a wallet ranks high on 1000 Annoying Things, that non-existent netherlist we’ve mentioned a few times before that also includes: #986 Yanking out only two inches of floss because the package is suddenly empty, #985 When your nacho breaks in the salsa, and #984 The taste of orange juice after brushing your teeth.

Losing that handful of crinkly fivers is nothing compared to spending weeks trying to trace back all those little pieces of plastic that rule your life. Plus, in addition to a series of neverending phone calls with the government, you also have to start your Buy 9 Cappuccinos, Get 1 Free card all over again. Hullo!

So that’s what makes it so sweet when someone returns your wallet. And that’s why today we stop to say thanks to you, anonymous stranger! You resisted the urge to keep everything after finding our life lying in the gutter … and you traced it all the way back to us. Returning a wallet to a stranger definitely ranks higher than blessings and photos on the Stranger To Stranger Love List.

Stranger to stranger love, folks.

Stranger to stranger love.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Cleaning up the corners was never so easy.

Sorry, Spidey.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Dirt is everywhere.

Just look around the house for a second here. What’s that in your phone receiver? What’s all over the bottom of your Tupperware cupboard? And what’s that coating your own … face?

If you said horribly sore bright red zits that’s only half the answer.

The other half is dirt.

Of course, when you think about it we’re all living on dirt our whole lives. Yes, a big crusty chunk of it miles and miles deep coats our entire planet. This crusty chunk is aptly named The Crust and it’s a pretty good equalizer. After all, young or old, rich or poor, Californian or Mongolian, you live on dirt. The only exception are Ewoks.

So it makes sense that our mouse balls would get clogged with thick piles of dirt regularly. Dust balls, flower pollen, and slowly disintegrating fingernails all eventually make their way to your mouse pad, where they are quickly swallowed up by your mouse ball cavity.

If that sounds disgusting it’s because it is.

Baby, that’s why it feels so great to finally twist open the bottom of your mouse and scrape out all the collected filth inside. Cat hair, dog hair, dust from the couch, it doesn’t matter. Nope, what matters is how great it feels to finally get that dirty out of your mouseball and get smooth-rolling again.

Unwind a paper clip and jam it in there if you really want to get it all out.

Or a really sharp pencil.

Or a toothpick.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Because what are they thinking?

Honestly, when I wake up in the morning and remember jagged shards of Dreams From Last Night, I’m usually just picking up familiar friends and family staging new acts in old places. Maybe I’ve got boring dreams but mine are usually just tense scenes twisting parts of my past into new storylines.

That’s why whenever I see a baby sleeping I can’t help wonder what they’re dreaming about. I picture blurry faces, banana smears, and twisty head spins involving swishy sounds, wild thoughts, and cuddling voices.

I wish they could tell us.

I bet they’d be really

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

There is no limit.

When you get the itch to go for it you can keep going all the way to the top.

No one will tell you to stop.

You can study and study and try and try and dream to go far and dream to go high.

If you believe it can be, it can be.

There’s no end to what you can achieve.

But on the way there enjoy small victories best.

Like when your dad puts a magnet on your A+ math test.

Because every time mom puts paintings up in your kitchen.

It keeps your dreams dreaming and keeps your wishes wishing.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

It’s like playing a harp with only one note.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here