Good grass is hard to find.
Yes, if you’ve paid a visit to your local playground or backyard recently, you know those fresh, clean, silky smooth greens are a rare breed. Broken glass, dog doo, and crumpled fast food bags can coat the shaggy green carpets around your home.
It’s tough out there but don’t worry: According to our egghead pals, grass is the most common plant in the whole wide world. Yup, thousands of species cover mountaintops, swamp bogs, prairie plains, and Wimbledon courts all over our swirling, twirling planet.
We just gotta find it.
So grab your binoculars, toss on a backpack, and head into the wilderness to scope those fresh patches of soft grassy greens blowing quietly in the warm wind. When you get there, drop the pack, peel off the stinky socks, and get walking, brother. After all:
1. Exotic toe massage. How often do your pita-bread cracked heels, broken soles, and little toe elbows score some rubby loving? We’re gonna bet not too often. Honestly, speak up if you’re getting this action somewhere else because we’re all ears. For most of us the blades-of-grass rubdown is the only foot action we get. We’ll take it!
2. Slick n’ slidin’. Sometimes there’s fresh morning dew out, sometimes you slide your screen door open after a summer shower, sometimes the backyard sprinkler’s raining down on everything. On all these magic moments the cool wet blades massage your foot’s wrinkly nooks and crannies and calm your soul. We’ll take it!
3. Do the doo. Hey, we’ve all stepped in dog crap before and there’s nothing pretty about it. All we’re gonna say is if your six-year-old steps in it while running around in bare feet, well that’s a lot easier to clean than if they step in it wearing brand new bright white sneakers. We’ll take it!
Yes, if you’re with us you know grass is a nice escape from the scalding sand, burning driveway, or pebbly pavement scratching at our feet.
We’ll take it!
AWESOME!
Photos from: here, here, and here
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Hey man, thanks for coming over. Wait, wait, wait, hold on, uh, don’t take off your shoes for a second. Listen, I’ve got this desk, and I sorta really need to get it out to the garage. Could you, I mean, it’ll only take a second.
(sheepish grin)
AWESOME!
Photo from: here
It’s a big deal.
When I was a little kid my friends and I took pictures of the TV screen after setting new high scores. It was so important to us we’d even mail the photos to video game magazines hoping they’d splash them across their pages as a late-breaking scoop.
Two eight-year-olds defeat Bowser in epic battle
No-holds-barred streetfight in turtle-dragon-thing’s lair features fire balls and flying hammers
Yes, if you’ve been there you know the road to setting a new high score is paved with lots of swearing, thrown controllers, and empty soda cans. Blurry eyes, all-day bedhead, and expanding pit stains are the mark of these basement-dwelling champions.
Now, while cracking top spot at home offers a big rush, there’s something to be said about the rare moment you actually pull it off in an arcade.
After all, you’ve probably dumped a few buckets of quarters into the machine just to get to M. Bison, so the payoff is your treat for spending weeks of allowance and candy money. Also, you get to put your initials into the machine which means you can you can go with your actual initials, the AAA default, or the filthiest three-letter-word you know. Just make sure nobody unplugs the machine and have a couple witnesses so you’ve got proof of being the ASS at Tony’s Pizza Slice who racked up 171,000 points on Ms. Pac Man.
Setting a new high score on a video game is moment of total euphoria. Your heart speeds up and your brain flies off as you realize you’re making it big. Yes, you turned tightly on Rainbow Road, nailed a Tetris when the screen was full, and hit all the right notes on Cowboys from Hell.
The blisters, eyestrain, and malnutrition was worth it, you think to yourself, as you survey your dark and seedy den of empty chip bags, greasy pizza boxes, and dirty socks. And as that slow smile curls across your face make sure you take a moment to nod at the TV screen and bask in your glowing moment of guts and glory.
AWESOME!
Illustration from: here
— Listen to my podcast 3 Books —
That was a tough one.
Come on in and stop for a second to shake your head, dust yourself off, and look back at how far you’ve come.
Sure, it’s been a long year. Some crushing lows slapped you and smacked you around. There were times your heart dipped and you squinted back tears while your stomach squeezed so tightly you couldn’t sleep. There were moments you walked around in a glossy-eyeball daze — when loved ones hurt, friends didn’t stay, or someone dear to your heart slowly drifted away.
Sleepless nights, stressful nights, with teething babies, slurring customers, bad bosses, bickering boyfriends, or blank computer screens. You were feeling and you were dealing and you were reeling and you were healing.
But as you walked your hard path down your long and bumpy road some little drops of confidence dripped like coffee into your head and into your heart. As you stumbled and got back up a quiet inner strength slowly seeped into your bones. And as you climbed over obstacles set in your way some relaxed satisfaction and growing self-awareness glimmered like bright lights at the bottom of your stomach.
Yes, this year changed you and grew you in so many ways you don’t even feel or notice yet. As you struggled you empathized, as you slipped you understood, as you worked you earned…
… as you looked you learned
… … as you dared you grew
… … … and as you jumped you flew.
Your dreams are still focusing and your passion is growing. Your energy is still bubbling and your story keeps going.
You’ve been through so much and gained a year’s supply of experience along the way. You’re stronger than you were last year and stronger than you realize. Sure, there were times you bent, but you definitely didn’t break. There were times you caved, but you definitely didn’t flake.
Listen up: you got bigger, you got better, and you got the scars to prove it.
So stop for a second today to smile and look back at everything you’ve done this year… everything you’ve seen… everywhere you’ve been…
You’ve taken more illegal naps and had more blurry-eyed late nights.
You’ve danced to more wedding songs and smiled at more beautiful sights.
You’ve seen more scorching sunsets and heard more head-bopping songs.
You’ve tripped a few times, but baby, you kept rolling right along.
Yes, you’ve hugged more old friends and kissed some brand new pretty faces.
You’ve cheered more on the sidelines and visited some brand new pretty places.
You tasted more meals, you got more deals, and you’ve sniffed more flower blossoms.
And you made it all the way through this year because you’re so completely
AWESOME!
(Thanks for our first full year! If you’re feeling awesome, check out the book.)
Photos from: here, here, here, and here
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Put your hand up if you type slow.
Yes, if you’re a clickity-clackity finger-punching purist whose chubby fingers stab at the keyboard with the rhythm and grace of a tiny bird picking pebbles at the park, then you’re not alone.
Stumbling over emails, bumbling over book reports, you touch-type with a finger-bouncing pace that backspaces a bunch, slows down in a crunch, and gets twisted and snarled on big word speed bumps.
Thank goodness you’ve got your username and password for some speed of lightning superfast quick-typing.
Oh yeah, baby.
Yes, when you log onto your computer, innernet, or email account your fingers suddenly take on a life of their own. They become possessed and you barely recognize them as they zip-zoom across the keys in a windy blur like The Flash.
Sometimes you really don’t even know your password because your brain has outsourced all memory of it to your fingers who somehow always manage to come up with it right when you need it most.
AWESOME!
Photos from: here
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I’m a terrible tuner.
Yeah, I’m the guy twiddling clock radio dials before bed every night with scrunched up eyebrows. Usually I end up on a crystal-clear station that I quickly realize isn’t the one I was aiming for or I end up accidentally using my body as an antenna so the sound gets fuzzy the second I move my hand away.
People, if you’re like me, you’d definitely find these moments over on 1000 Annoying Things, that non-existent netherlist we’ve mentioned before that features entries like #992 Someone shaking your hand with freshly wet hands from the bathroom, #991 Bendy straws that crack at the bendy part, or #990 When a chocolate chip in a cookie turns out to be a raisin.
Brother, that’s why nothing’s as nice as landing perfectly on your radio station of choice after twiddling that little orange dial for a few quick moments. When you nail it just right, slowly move your hand away, pause for station identification, and then quickly click the switch over to Alarm, you’re loving it lots.
See, radio waves float and fly through our lives sending highway traffic reports, wacky morning DJs, and bumping bass beats bouncing around the air like magic. It’s up to us to catch them like butterflies with our thin antennas, dusty clock radios, and determined little fingers driven to get that job done.
AWESOME!
— Listen to my new podcast 3 Books —
My friend Rob welcomes visitors to his swanky apartment by flash-bulbing them in the face with a dusty old Polaroid camera.
After the picture slides out and the color fades in he staples it to a foam board in his front hallway. Over time he’s created a giant collage presumably titled Anybody Who’s Ever Visited Me and turned a blank white wall into an artsy conversation piece.
When some friends and I crashed with Rob a year ago he promptly flash-bulbed us in the face a couple times. He handed me the extra pic while sticking the first on the wall and I stuffed it in my bags and forgot about it … forgot about it, that is, until last week when I noticed a tiny white corner sticking out of my suitcase and rediscovered the blurry photo inside a brand new secret pocket!
Yes, finding hidden compartments in things you already own is like striking oil in your own backyard, people.
After all, you’ve known your old pal Backpack forever. You know her left zipper’s gummed up and you’ve watched with teary eyes as her stitching slowly ripped off her left strap. So when you notice a secret built-in pencil case pouch deep down in her inner shadows, it’s a mind-blowing moment. Suddenly she’s got a whole new strut in her step and trot in her walk, like she popped back out of backpack rehab.
Same thing with Bathing Suit. Sure, his zip-string is loose and dangly, he’s covered in lint balls, and his bright red logo has faded to a dull pink, but when you first notice that tiny mesh pocket for holding keys hanging inside his elastic waistband, your brain blasts to outer space. He’s like a hunched over old man suddenly tossing away his cane and then tap-dancing across the sidewalk.
So today let’s give thanks and give cheers to the surprise sunglasses holder in the roof of your car, that second pocket in your navy blue blazer, and the hidden change holder riding like a treasure chest deep down in your car’s arm rest.
AWESOME!
Photos from: here, here, and here
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