Category: Awesome Things

My friends Mike and Kathryn had a baby last year.

I was out visiting them on the west coast recently and we spent a quiet night on the couch playing with their diaper-clad, chubby-legged, wide-eyed son Malcolm. We took turns rocking him, yanking on his toes, and holding him above our heads like Simba. To return the favor he giggled and waved his arms and legs around sharply and wildly like Bambi on ice.

The evening was pretty quiet until Malcolm happened to let out the giantest burp I’ve ever heard from a baby. It was a long and deep gut-clearing belch that was part tugboat, part T-Rex, and all class.

After the burp Malcolm’s emotionless, slowly blinking eyes didn’t seem particularly impressed but Mike got right into it. “Ladies and gentlemen!” he began, like a boxing announcer winding up the crowd. “We have a newwwwwwwwww … champion-of-the-world!”

Cuddling the Bald Burper on the couch, Mike went on to excitedly explain how Malcolm was constantly setting new records for himself. “We hit longest sleep recently and biggest dump was about six months back,” he said, putting his floppy-sweatsock feet up on the coffee table. “Haven’t seen a diaper that full since.”

Sure enough, these Guinness Book accounts of Malcolm’s record-smashing ways got us all talking about how setting a new record for yourself in anything is great. It feels like a small victory, like passing a little test, it feels like learning more about you, like pushing into that new personal best.

After all, there’s the longest speech you’ve given, there’s the most games you played, there’s the longest drive you’ve driven, and there’s the best catch you made. And although these white-ribbon finishes aren’t always surrounded by cheering crowds, flashing cameras, and newspaper headlines, the truth is that doesn’t matter. Because when you set a personal record you can whip out your personal notebook and make a personal note.

“Giantest burp ever.”

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Things start, things finish.

Just sometimes not at the same time.

1. Ketchup and mustard. While you’re fart-squeezing that big bottle of ketchup I’m guessing the squat bottle of yellow mustard is still sitting pretty full right beside you, even though it expired in 2005. No need for the picnic multi-pack when you hit the store.

2. Toothpaste, floss, and mouthwash. After squeezing the final minty molecules from the tube it’s time to head to the drug store for a fresh box. But forget the floss and mouthwash because they’re still sitting under a layer of dust in the corner. There’s no point at all in trying to time the drugstore pickup. The two unopened deodorants in your medicine cabinet are proof of that.

3. Nachos and salsa. What is the ideal salsa to nacho ratio? Buddhist monks have debated this eternal question for centuries. And they haven’t figured out an answer yet, judging by the handful of nacho crumbs left beside your giant bowl of salsa.

Yes, salt and pepper, laundry soap and dryer sheets, shampoo and conditioner — often bought together,  always used together, but rarely dying at the same time. In a way the entire story is a parallel to our own relationships. After all, we grow up, come together, and eventually fall apart. Husbands leave before wives, parents before kids, and long loves end before the loving.

Maybe shampoo and conditioner remind us to enjoy every side by side moment like it’s the last.

AWESOME!

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Photo from: here

AWESOME!

It’s a Solo Chuckle.

Laughing when you’re by yourself happens when you’re watching a forwarded video in your dimly lit dormroom, lying in the La-Z-Boy catching a TV Treasure Chest Moment, or just having a little Laugh Echo as you’re about to fall asleep.

Now there’s something special and something sincere about laughing when nobody’s around or watching you. Group laugh attacks, fake business laughs, and contagious laughs are all ruled out. Now it’s just you and you alone enjoying a little side-splitting moment on the couch.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

I have a slow commute.

Living downtown and working in the burbs means I jam through highways and sidestreets coming home every night. Sideways rain and hockey games slow everything down and sometimes I find myself tire-crawling all the way.

I’m a fidgety person so when I’m stuck in the stop and go I find myself spacing out and flipping through the radio. I daydream, pick my nose, and phone friends. I crank tunes, sing along, and snap back again. Sometimes I find myself in my parking garage and come to the jarring realization that I have no memory of my entire drive home. “Hmm, thanks Ghost Me,” I think, slamming the door.

Now it was on one of those traffic-jammy drives last week when I found myself cruising under a rusty old bridge. As I was passing under it, I let my eyes peek up into the crusty cobweb coated rafters and noticed an army of pigeons all wedged together up there. My eyes refocused to make sure I was seeing it right but then, sure enough, there really was hundreds of the fat birds all standing tall on a big rusty beam–slash–their toilets.

When I see pigeons they’re usually solo. I guess I always assumed they led lonely lives picking crumbs from sewer grates and fighting for crusts behind the pizza place. That’s why it made me happy seeing them all hanging together under the bridge. It was like the Pigeon Country Club up there. Membership was tough and you had to come early to score a good seat.

I liked thinking how money had no place in their lives at all. Nobody spent more to get a better lake view or upgraded their spot to one without bird crap. It was just first come, first serve, shove over to let another bird in. They didn’t say anything but seemed happy. They didn’t move but they seemed content.

Animal hangouts are a little reminder we’re all looking for the same thing: good family and friends, cozy company, and fun times that come from coming together. Whether it’s pigeons hanging under the bridge, moths flapping together by the porch light, or crabs huddling near the ocean vent, animal hangouts are a reminder that life’s a lot more fun in groups.

Let’s get together.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Nothing worse than a wobbler.

Water glasses start spilling, silverware starts clattering, and conversations get the bump-off when the table goes thumping and your dinner plate gets jumping. That’s when it’s time to quadruple-fold a napkin and get your hands dirty in those tiny pebbles and sand by the table legs.

Now wedge it right in there, brush your hands off, and give the table a test shake.

How does that feel?

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Here’s one for you.

Did you know that pockets and purses are distant cousins? Well, sure enough, grandma, it’s true!

See, there were once no pockets. Before the 1500s everyone presumably stuffed cell phones into socks and stored minivan keyless remotes under top hats. But eventually folks starting carrying around little bags to hold their things and the family tree eventually split into pants pockets and big purses.

These days pockets are great for a few big reasons:

1. Man Purse Backups. Guys, you know the pain of lugging around your wallet, keys, and phone without a handy side satchel holding everything. Sure, sometimes you can count on a Purse Lady to hook you up, but more often than not it’s down to the pockets.

2. Instant hand warmers. Spending your money on gloves and mitts is fine, but even better is the cheapo method of deep-digging them into your jeans pockets for some hot, hot thigh loving.

3. Flexible like a gymnast. Pockets of air in rooms that are quickly filling with gushing water are life-saving and make for exciting movie scenes. And pockets of air bubbles can provide hours of amusement. Plus, let’s not forget that pizza pockets and pita pockets can be tasty and delicious.*

Oh sure, sure, I’m the same as you, mindlessly stuffing my hands in my pockets all day without really imagining the fairly recent world where they didn’t even exist. Nowadays we bell our bottoms, fade our jeans, and pre-wrinkle our T-shirts, but there was a day when we just wrapped ourselves in what we had and kept on trucking. Perhaps back then nobody could have predicted the long line of Clothing Technology that evolved over time to include zippers, Velcro, and Genera Hypercolor T-Shirts.

AWESOME!

(*Unless filled with alfalfa.)

Photos from: here, here, and here

We’ll miss you, Steve. Thank you for showing us the power of passion.

And thank you for being

AWESOME!

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

It’s pretty simple.

A line of kids hold hands on one side of the playground while a kid from the other side runs at them with a head full of steam and tries to bust through.

The game’s not over until the field is littered with broken arms, bloody noses, and shattered glasses.

It’s one of the most dangerous playground games out there.

And one of the most fun.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Baby, you can drive my car.

At least sometimes I feel that way when I’m caught in a yellow-light staredown and suddenly find myself death-gripping the wheel while make that split-second decision to fly through or slam the brakes.

It’s very stressful.

If you’re like me sometimes you’re in the middle of the intersection when you suddenly think: “Oh shoot… I shouldn’t have gone.”

When that happens it’s always satisfying to see the car behind you come through the intersection, too. I mean, you thought you were pushing it, but just look at that guy. Suddenly your move is totally justified and police officer’s job is a whole lot easier.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here