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#531 The Big Night Nap

The Big Night Nap is any nap you take before going out for a big night.

When you nail this warm up nap perfectly you end up with a long memorable evening without dog yawns, wristwatch glances, and early cave-ins.

Now, that doesn’t mean Big Night Naps are easy to pull off. No, no, the truth is you gotta be careful in that late afternoon Napping Danger Zone:

1. The Power Nap. Top of the charts. This is the perfectly executed twenty-minute power up that fills up your energy bar and gets you ready to take on the world.

2. The Call Waiting Nap. Your plans aren’t firmed up so you leave your cell phone beside you. This forces you to pop up to answer text messages and take groggy phone calls.

3. The Choreographed Nap. This is where you convince all your friends to take a Big Night Nap, too. You know them well and realize they’ll zonk out early if they’re not in the game. Do like Parker Lewis and synchronize watches.

4. The Neverending Nap. Whoops! You were gonna do a quick snooze but your body had other plans. You groggily kick off your socks as your phone buzzes on your dresser. You’re going straight to morning now. Expect a 4:00am wake up call.

5. The Extend-O-Night Nap. You head out to someone’s house without napping but start losing steam as everyone else is revving up. So you head upstairs and take a quick zonkout on the bed full of jackets. You don’t have to be eight years old to pull this off, people. You’ll be back in the game in no time.

So… save ‘em for new years, save ‘em for slumber parties, save ‘em for nights you need extra juice. Yes, when you go down early to get down late it’s a beautiful moment of party planning that we like to call

AWESOME!

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#532 When you find out your new place has a really good shower

It’s all about water pressure.

Honestly, getting a misty low pressure shower is a slightly damp nightmare.  You may as well spray yourself with a water bottle or shampoo your hair in the YMCA steam room at that point.

No, you want that high pressure spray down, you crave that high pressure spray down, you need that high pressure spray down. You know the one: it punches you in the heart, power blasts the armpit scum away, and turns your entire bathroom into a hot and steamy Chamber of Bliss.

Not much affects your day every day as much as a good shower. And it’s hard to fix a bad one. So when you find out your new place gives you a power-pumping start to the day, it’s time to close the door, strip right down, and get ready to get completely

AWESOME!

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#533 Taking a spin on a shopping cart

Hey, baby.

Take a ride on the wild side.

Yes, while walking down that empty grocery store aisle look left at the Cocoa Puffs, look right at the rice cakes, nod confidently, and then step on the cart and fly.

Apples bounce, salami slides, and there are some intense g-forces on your loaf of bread. But a few seconds later, a few feet away, how much are you smiling after that dangerous floor-tile thrill ride to the yogurt section?

Now, there are a few different ways the dangerous deeds go down.

Here we go:

1. Pedal to the metal. This is the classic one-foot ride to heaven. Two hands on the bar, one foot jammed underneath, and your back leg hanging out like a wobbly figure skater. Just make sure you’ve got a watermelon and a sack of potatoes in your cart to hold her steady.

2.Two Footer. This is similar to the Pedal to the metal, but with more commitment. Without your skiddy-soled runners providing an emergency brake anything could happen. Remember to know your limits and play safe out there.

3. A Tisket A Tasket. Someone’s riding in the basket. Make sure you don’t crash into a wall of soup because the only air bags in this thing are full of onions.

4. The Station Wagon. Remember that backseat in old station wagons facing the opposite direction? This is the shopping cart version. Hold on tight to the front of the cart and hope the driver doesn’t steer you into the egg wall.

5. The Submarine. Highly not-recommended. This deep sea move consists of riding underneath where the soda cans and diapers  usually sit. It also consists of being at the mercy of the lunatic driver above you. Remember to be safe in that grocery store jungle. Nobody wants to go home with a forehead full of kidney bean can dents.

Yes, taking a quick spin on a shopping cart is a coffee aisle vacation.

It’s juice and jam jubilation.

It’s a diaper dash temptation.

And it’s a supermarket celebration.

AWESOME!

 

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#534 Catching food in your mouth

Toss it mean and catch it clean.

Drop that jaw, tilt that head, and let’s get down to business:

• Level 1: Pop Practice. It’s important to start small with popcorn. There are no penalties for misses here, since the corn is light and doesn’t collect much dust if it hits the ground. This is a baby step and it will take time to master, but it’s an important rite of passage before hitting the next levels. (Note: In some circles, this level also covers marshmallows, Cheerios, and Corn Pops.) 5 points.

• Level 2: The Grape Beyond. Yup, next step is big ol’ grapes. Usually someone on the other end of the movie couch is munching on the vine in their own little bowl. If you’re feeling a bit hungry, simply drop your mouth and tap the couch cushion while saying ‘Uhn! Uhnnnnn!’ to get their attention. Soon a cold, hard grape should be flying fast at you. If the toss is good you should catch it perfectly. Other fruits like raspberries and strawberries fit here as well. 10 points.

• Level 3: Dog On A Bone. This extremely advanced move involves catching something larger than your actual mouth. An apple, peeled orange, or corn on a cob are good targets. You need to time the molar chomp perfectly and be prepared for embarrassing T-shirt stains and a black eye. 25 points.

Yes, when you catch food in your mouth you’re suddenly sitting high on top of the snack-eating universe. You’ve just combined equal parts laziness and athletic ability in a daring couch potato feat the likes of which this family room has never seen before. So when you nail it smoothly you know what to do.

Chomp it loud.

Chew it proud.

AWESOME!

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#535 Giant morning stretches accompanied by stupid noises

Crack that back.

Everybody’s got their own gorilla jungle noises when they wake up in the morning. There’s a few famous moves for waking up your bones:

1. The Insane Wiggle. This one’s the classic. There’s no focus and direction here — you’re just twisting and turning in a crumpled lump of sheets and twisted blankets. Maybe you squeeze your face into your pillow, pull your legs into your chest, or just let out some long slow grunts to feel that stretchy buzz in the small of your back.

2. The Starfish. This is where you lay in bed and stretch your arms and legs in all directions. The starfish works best if you somehow managed to land a night in a king-size hotel bed by yourself.

3. The Old Man Can Walk Again. When I lived in Boston my roommate Joey was famous for this. You’d hear his bedroom door creak open and he’d slowly inch out — hunched over in a stained undershirt and baggy boxers, blindly touch-feeling his way to the bathroom without his glasses on. Eventually he’d give a few loud grunts and stretch up like he was getting out of his wheelchair for the first time in years.

4. The Yogi Master. These people actually do real stretches when they wake up. They might even throw their hair in a ponytail, lay down the mat, and jump into a tight black unitard.

5. The Cobra. Here’s where you stretch your spine out by leaning up like a cobra. For full effect make sure to throw a few hisses and menacing head fakes at your sleeping husband.

6. The Safety Stretch. Here’s where your bed buddy is sleeping in a little later than you’re careful not to wake them. Watch the grunts, watch the groans, and stretch out nice and quietly, people. Sure, it’s not as rewarding but it sure beats accidental punching someone in the temple when they’re drooling and dreaming.

7. The Ballet Dancer. Prop one foot up on the radiator and lean forward like you’re about to hit the stage. Tutu optional but recommended.

8. The Dog Leg. That big dog stretch sends all your molecules zooming around so fast your leg just starts pounding the mattress uncontrollably.

Now, no matter your style it sure feels great to stretch that spine, get the blood flowing, and crack and pop all your bones into place. Plus, if you’re lucky enough to catch someone else in the middle of their giant sleepy-eyed stretch, well that’s just a bonus.

Bring on the day.

AWESOME!

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#536 Wearing your favorite pair of underwear and nobody knows

You know the ones.

Maybe they fit perfectly, don’t ride up, and leave nothing bulging over the edges. Yes, they flatter in all the right places and all the right spaces, baby.

Or maybe you’re a straight-laced Sally and they’re your wildly inappropriate pair that turn you into a G-String Rebel. Caution: RED HOT!

Or… maybe they’re just the perfect shade of the perfect color and you’ve had them in your dresser drawer for ages. Maybe they remind you of a special moment or a memory that’s fun to keep to yourself all day.

But whatever yours are, and whatever they look like, there’s something great about giving yourself a smile. Because hey, wearing your favorite underwear when nobody knows is a way think positive thoughts without doing anything too earth-shattering.

It’s a just a simple thing for a simple smile.

And you know what we call that around here.

AWESOME!

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#537 Laughing so hard you start crying

It’s a beautiful moment.

Your friend suddenly squeezes her eyes shut and starts shaking her head while laughing so hard little streams of salty tears start running down her cheeks. She covers her mouth with her hands as her wide-eyed face turns red — and you can see shiny reflections sparkle in her glittery wet eyes. Big booms bounce off walls until she eventually slows down, gasps for air, and open her eyes wide while wet sniffling, smiling widely, and regaining her composure.

And then she looks you right in the eyes and smiles. And you look her right in the eyes and smile.

And it starts all over again.

AWESOME!

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#538 When you’re being chased by zombies and suddenly find a hidden stash of guns and ammo

It’s a quiet night.

You’re driving your girlfriend home from the movies in your dusty, beat-up pickup truck. The moonlight casts strange shadows in the town square as you slow to a stop under a flickering streetlight. Something catches your eye in the rearview mirror just as your girlfriend lets out a blood-curdling scream — your truck’s suddenly surrounded! By something big, animals? No, big, bigger, they’re… people?

Bloody arms in tattered rags start smacking the truck and hollow eyes connect with yours through the window. As your girlfriend frantically pushes down locks you hit the gas and scream down side roads till you get to your aunt and uncle’s 24-hour diner.

Swerving into the gravelly parking lot you’re met with disaster. You race past blood-splattered shoes and broken glass on the walk before kicking open the screen door to a nightmare scene.

The place is full of zombies and they spot you immediately. You glance back and see your girlfriend screaming as they’ve surrounded her and started rocking the truck. As they awkwardly tipsy-teeter towards you from all directions, you scramble behind the counter, desperate for something, anything, to fight them off.

Suddenly your eyes spot an old wooden box under the counter with a big padlock on it. You bootkick it open and rip back the lid just as you hear the glass shatter outside and your girlfriend scream.

It’s a massive stash of weapons.

AWESOME!

Happy April Fool’s Day!

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#539 When you open a book to the exact page you were looking for

You cracked the case.

Seriously, when you pop open that textbook, flip open the yellow pages, or split the spine of that beach novel right to the spot you’re looking for it’s a beautiful moment.

Suddenly you transform into a gloomy trenchcoat-wearing detective who solves the case just by glancing at the crime scene. Yes, the street’s been taped off, someone’s crying under a blanket on the curb, and the city police are filling out witness statements on their notepads.

That’s when you peel up in a navy blue squad card, calmly light up a cigarette, and then stare at the surrounding buildings for a few minutes with furrowed eyebrows.

Then you calmly walk back to your cruiser, smile softly, and roll your window down at the local police before screaming away down the wet roads.

“Page 127.”

AWESOME!

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#540 The TV Treasure Chest Moment

The TV Treasure Chest Moment occurs when you stumble upon an elusive rerun of your favorite TV show just as it’s about to start.

This champion channel-flip happens in two big ways:

1. The Missing Link. This is when  you suddenly realize you haven’t seen this episode before — ever! You love the show, you’re a huge fan, you’ve seen most episodes ten times … but now you landed on the missing link. Maybe you always knew this episode existed but didn’t get to witness it until today. You know you landed on a missing link if you find yourself saying things like “Is this the backwards episode?”, “So that’s when she got braces” or “Ahhhh, now I fully get another joke referenced later in the series. I am at peace.”

2. The Full Fave. Here’s when you find your favorite episode of the series and get giddy with anticipation. Maybe it’s the soup nazi on Seinfeld, the time Carlton gets cut from the frat, or that dark day when Jesse takes too many caffeine pills. Chances are good you’ve seen the end of this one twenty times and that’s exactly what makes the full version such a sweet release.

People, you know it and I know it: The TV Treasure Chest Moment is a great big rush of excitement in the middle of your family room. When it happens you’ve gotta dim those lights, pop that corn, and stare deeply at the glittery gold moment before you.

AWESOME!

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