Bathroom readers of the world, unite!

It doesn’t matter if it’s an old issue of Reader’s Digest on top of the tank, yesterday’s crinkly newspaper lying on the floor, or a dog-eared comic book sitting on the bathroom counter. Nope, all that matters is now we don’t have to read the back of the shampoo bottle over and over again.

Fellow bathroom reader, thank you for heeding the call, thank you for keeping magazines in the stall, and thank you for being so absoflushinglutely

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Now, now.

Don’t get us wrong.

It’s great filling the home with hugs and love and holiday joy. Everyone loves grandpas and grandmas and brand new toys. Yes, family fills living rooms with laughter, basements with board games, and kitchens with kisses.

But let’s be honest — holiday guests come with a bit of holiday stress, too.

Mall hopping and last-minute shopping, wrapping boxes of fancy chocolates, cooking suppers without taking uppers — yes, it adds up to memories and it adds up to fun but we’re saying it’s also okay when the visit is done.

It’s beautiful opening your hearts and your home to the people you love.

And it’s beautiful kissing goodbye and getting your place back, too.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

After getting stuffed with stuffing and packed with potatoes someone kindly rolls you to the couch and covers you with old blankets and rogue scraps of wrapping paper for your post-holiday meal snooze. Yes, now it’s time to smile sweetly and pop outta your pants before spacing into a turkey high.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Turn out the lights.

Pull the curtains open and watch as jumbo snowflakes drift past the window, snow-covered kids walk by dragging sleds, and winter winds whisper through the evergreens. Smell the turkey crisping in the oven, listen to scratchy carols spinning in your head, and hear footsteps from the family slowly come together in front of the sparkling tree…

Swipe your daughter’s bangs as she lies in your lap, smile at grandpa sipping eggnog on the ottoman, or cuddle up with your cousins in a pile of cozy blankets and comfy sweats on the couch.

Sip that crystal glass of eggnog, sniff the pine of the tree, and relax and share a quiet moment of bliss with someone touching your hands … or your heart.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Wrapping is serious.

Yes, somewhere between peeling tape, snipping corners, and curling ribbons you start obsessing over all the little details. And sure, if you’re like me your present just ends up a corner-dented patchwork of twisted tape and shoddy edges. But for the pros there’s something important and something sweet about getting the whole thing looking jussssssssst right..

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UNAWESOME!

AWESOME!

You’re running late.

When it’s almost Christmas and there’s nothing under the tree it’s time to furrow your brows, steady your glare, and clench those fists for a big Super Present Power Shop.

Yes, this is where you bust into the mall in a sweatshirt-and-running shoes tornado and spin around at high speeds until successfully finding something for everyone on your list.

Black Friday’s long gone, online delivery windows are closed, and now it’s crunch time. Here are some tips to pulling it off:

• Good parkin’ is good startin’. Circling the frozen tundra in lot WW is a fool’s game. No, you need to find the secret YMCA entrance, get a drop off and pick up, or arrive ten minutes before doors open to score a front spot. Don’t forget The PLPT.

• Skip the coat, grab the kicks. Leave your winter jacket in the trunk and sprint across the icy lot to the front door because thirty seconds of frozen lungs is worth avoiding three hours of overheating. Plus, those running shoes will help you run and dive for the last Baby Farts-A-Lot in the toy store.

• Plug in. Stuff some headphones in your ears and rock out to 2Unlimited or Technotronic to stay motivated. Remember: Nothing slows you down more than hearing Santa Baby for the third time in an hour so pump up the jam and let’s move this.

• Couples for couples. If you have couples on your list just divide the number of gifts by two. Beer mug for him, wine glasses for her? No, martini shaker for both. You get the idea.

• Close your list, open your mind. Focus is important so jot down your names and ideas before hitting the stores. Just make sure leave your mind open for things to jump off the shelves. Breath mints,  People magazines, and IKEA golf pencils all make lovely stocking stuffers.

• Bag a Monster. It’s important to ask the first store you visit for the largest bags they have. They should go fishing for a couple minutes and pull out the king-sized ones normally reserved for toaster ovens and dehumidifiers. Use those monster to eat everything else you buy all day.

Okay, listen, listen — these are just a few tips to get you going. As you start perfecting your Power Shop you’ll grow more advanced techniques like stuffing your pockets with peanut butter sandwiches, phoning for inventory checks while waiting in lines, and buying someone a sled so you can drag all your presents from shop to shop.

But no matter what kind of Power Shop you pull off, one thing’s for sure: when you crash back into your couch surrounded by full bags and a crossed-off list well… it’s time to unclench your muscles, droop your eyes, and just smile back slowly at your mall-conquering moment of

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, and here

Let’s get fat together.

Roll those rum balls, sprinkle sparkles on the shortbread, and dump the bulk bag of candy canes in the crystal dish by the secretary’s desk.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

It’s party time.

And those Christmas sweaters are just the beginning.

I mean sure, tossing on a thick woolly for the holiday party is a sure way to spread the cheer — especially if your sweater features hypnotic swirls of red and green, a giant floating snowman head, or an intense action sequence of Santa flying his reindeer through a blizzard.

But to really get that party going and that eggnog flowing you’ve got to crank it up a notch. Yes, we’re talking about tossing a Santa cap on your golden retriever or grandpa, we’re talking about tossing one on your labradoodle or grandma, and we’re talking about everyone donning their gay apparel to whip this holiday bash into a whole new level of

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Thanks, jewelry box, random bar of soap, and chocolate orange.

You came through in the clutch to help use the final shredded scrap of wrap.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

It’s time for some intergenerational egg nogging.

Get ready to light the yule log, sail the gravy boat, and get your eighty-five pound grandmother a sloshy glass of rummy nog.

Now, whatever your age, whatever your tastes, whatever your pleasures, whatever your fates, let’s all agree on one thing today: grabbing an occasional festive drink with your mom’s mom or your son’s son bridges boundaries and crosses divides.

Once upon your time your grandma used to boogie. Once upon a time your grandma threw it down. I’m saying before you danced on tables, she danced on them too. And before you learned to mix things, she was mixing two.

So when the holidays hit and the families combine it’s time to bring out the punch bowl and time to have a good time. Because we’re not here forever and we’re not here very long. We don’t get many chances so toss one back before granny’s gone.

I never knew my grandparents but I heard stories they were great… so I know if they were here now we’d party hard before it got too late.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here